You told me they had found a New Earth. A planet with rocks and rivers and a sun to keep the plants warm. You said it with an air of optimism, as if you could envision yourself on the New Earth, taking strolls on a different wing of our galaxy, and looking back on Old Earth through a telescope, waving, even, for whoever had been left behind. But the light travels forty years to get from New Earth to Old Earth, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever catch you waving before it was too late. If maybe my time ran out before the light could go the distance. Or if perhaps you saw me there next to you on New Earth, working around the problem by bringing me with you, just as I would bring you anywhere.
But I said none of those things aloud. It didn’t seem right as we were lying on the floor, glancing up into the ceiling and talking about the open space on the other side of it. How very unconnected would I seem to ask such self-centered questions when we were considering galaxy plateaus and light years. I turned my head to look at your ocean eyes, feeling myself drown as I realized half a life too late that half a life is halfway dead, and I had already spent seven-thousand days without you. It was then and there I decided to appreciate the elasticity of time and make sure every minute of us would count as an hour, and every hour would count as a lifetime. There were no rules until we made them. There was no distance between us as long as we held on.
Tonight is… different.
Tonight is a time for realizations, for crazy thoughts of the future. For – hopefully – moving on. Tonight is the time I finally understood, that what I’ve been striving for these past four years isn’t going to become reality. I won’t get the girl.
Truth be told, I should have known this for a long time. But your mind plays tricks on you when you feel like you’re in love. The friends-become-a-couple-and-last-a-lifetime movie became real, at least in my own imagination (that ought to be a hint).
But at least it got to me now and not after four more years of this. Hopefully, I can now finally start my “new beginning” and begin to think straight again. Do something with my life, instead of waiting for my life to do something with me. Perhaps it’s time for me to finally take a trip to America. I’m not sure it will live up to any of my expectations, but at least it will clear my head from another unrealized dream.
I could always try to get a job, see how far my own American dream would take me. I’ve always felt like I would fit better somewhere else. If America is that place or not.. time will tell.
Until I make a decision, I’ll let Brian Eno influence me way too much.
I only just recently ‘discovered’ him (read: took enough of an interest in him to actually listen to his music), but he has blown me away. How he could make this music in the 70s and 80s amazes me.
Listening to “Before and After Science” right now. First half beats Bowie at his own game, second half beats Pink Floyd at their own game. What more can you ask for? I really don’t know.
So, going to bed. Hopefully being able to wake up with a fresh mind tomorrow. Up for adventure! Heidi has helped me a lot, I need to talk to her more often. Life was better when we met up frequently. She’s great. But before I bid this day farewell, I think I’ll just take that second half one more time. It’s so good.