Another exam, another (little) hurdle.
Things are moving along pretty smoothly these days. The exams seem to roll by easily. I’m in good balance as well. But then again, I’m always in good balance during the winter. I remember in 9th grade, I told my teachers, and they agreed, that exams – to fit me – should be held in the winter. I’m just more on this time of year. I don’t know what it is. Maybe my brain gets overheated in the summer. Whatever it is, I’m pleased we at least have some of our exams in the winter.
I’m also presently in a very talkative mood. My working-friend who I don’t speak enough with was at her job today, so I could hang out with her for a while. She’s always been great fun. I really miss having her around in my everyday life. Maybe she’s actually the person I miss the most from high school? Hmm, hadn’t ever thought about that before. But yeah, I really liked seeing her around, talking to her every now and then, and especially getting all competitive with her in PE. My first memory of her was from PE. We had run to the tracks nearby, and were going to do some races, and we just started talking along the way, talking most of the class that day. It’s strange, I never really allow myself to go talk to the people I’m attracted by, but with her it just came so naturally. I still remember my sadness the day I found out she had gotten a boyfriend. But that’s just down to me never ever taking the chances I should. She’s still together with him. And I’m not really trying to be a home wrecker. But by god, she is really something.
It’s difficult to really understand where I stand with my winter-love. Is that what I should call her for now? My Winter Love. Yeah, that sounds sweet. Well, I don’t really know where I stand with my Winter Love. We’re still pretty sweet at times, but she’s not as responsive as she was some days ago. And, well, of course I’m just being overly attentive to the little details – but at least I keep myself from asking her about it. I guess it just comes down to her being in the final period of preparation for her upcoming exam. It’s probably taking up quite a bit of her time. I know I was less responsive when I was in the midst of preparing for my exam before Christmas. Yeah, I should just wait. I’m a bit sad I didn’t get to see her today. But sometimes I really have to take decisions, and today I took one, and when I couldn’t find the room she was in, I decided to see if some of my other friends were still around after our written exam, which they were, and my bus-buddy and I caught a bus to the train station. And, well, if I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have seen her at all, and I wouldn’t have seen my working-friend.
So, now I’m in the phase where I have to prepare for my final oral exam. That’s gonna be festive! Metaphysics is one of my favorite subjects, but maybe that isn’t so good. I thought epistemology would be a very difficult exam, but I aced that, so perhaps this will be just the opposite. Or maybe I should just try to stay positive. I’ve been positive all through winter, so no need to quit that now. I’m sure if I do my preparation, maybe even just a tad more thoroughly than I did to epistemology (lord knows I could have drawn subjects that wouldn’t have allowed me as good a result), then everything will be alright.
So, of course, seeing as I spent so little time preparing for epistemology, I now have way too much time on my hands to degenerate before I finally pull myself together. And I was thinking about spending it with someone who’s gone back to Copenhagen by now. Maybe I should spend it with you instead? I know we will be going to a concert the 24th, but you’ve been away a long time and you’ve really become one of my best friends over the last year or so. After a couple of years of me just watching you and you watching me.
It’s funny, I still can’t tell you the exact truth. I think I will at some point, but when we have more time to ourselves. I don’t know how you’ll react to know that I was hopelessly in love with you all that time, and that was why I constantly smiled at you. I dread that time at new years last year, when I told you, in front of everyone, that it was because you looked lonely. You did look lonely, but my smile stemmed from all kinds of bubbly loving feelings. It was just not really right to say, when your boyfriend, and my best friend, was sitting right beside you. Even though I didn’t even know him back when I smiled at you every day. It would make things weird. But now you’re gay, now I should be able to tell you those kinds of things. I think it would loosen up some things, because I think you know, and I think you’re waiting for me to tell you. That can really be the only explanation for your question a couple of days ago, when he had just left the house for a couple of minutes – but where I again answered vaguely.
I will someday figure out everything.