Haley Heyndrickx played an amazing set, just as I had hoped for, on the best stage of the festival, at the slot my buddy and I have come to know as the Julia Holter slot. Early morning in the middle of the festival, in the cool shade of Gloria, which quickly turns into a heated area as the songs progress, suitable for the most intensely introspective experiences of music. She captivated the room, making people stand on their toes for the last spoken lines of her songs, falling hand-clenching to the floor on their flat feet once the guitar rung out. Young lovers kissing in the corners and kissing right in front of the stage. The age presidents of the festival shedding a tear over the continuous talent that keeps forming in front of their eyes year after year at this very stage. But of course, this year, me at home instead of in front of that stage.
There’s always the post-Roskilde blues, the days after the festival when you get back home to the normal life, typically less hectic than usual in the summer break season. Rarely there are any plans set in stone for the week after Roskilde, other than getting back on your feet, literally and figuratively, and assessing in which ways your life changed this year. It’s been so long since I wasn’t at the Roskilde Festival, 2011, that I had forgotten the post-Roskilde blues hit just as hard for the ones who didn’t go but wanted to.
It seems my plans come crumbling down this month.
Is this what it means to be an adult? That the real world hits you. I don’t want to be an adult. I never did. I don’t think I ever will. I fiercely dislike responsibility, plans, structure, money. I wasn’t made for the adult world. I was hardly made for the young adult world.
And what sucks is that I know I can tune myself into it. I can put on a mask and pretend to be an adult, and I will be accepted as such. And I will land the job of my dreams. And I will be comfortably affluent. I can do that. I can use my acting skills to make those things come true. And lots of people will be proud of me. But they’ll proud of me for reasons I despise. And I’ll despise myself and the mask I’m wearing.
I’ve only ever wanted love. Now I’ve found it, but apparently I can’t have it. Circumstances. I feel like circumstances are a big part of the adult world. The way I see it though, circumstances are the least adult thing in the world. “Circumstances” is the lack of resilience to find a solution to a problem. Circumstances is the bad excuse for lack of will or lack of want.
It was because of circumstances I didn’t attend Roskilde this year. And I’m regretting my foolishness, knowing I’ve missed out on an experience I would have kept with me for the rest of my life, regardless of whatever tiny problems it might have caused for my other adult plans.
It’ll be because of circumstances if you don’t let me visit your part of the world before summer is over. And we’ll be regretting that foolishness. We’ll miss out on an experience to keep with us for the rest of our lives, only risking the most minor of issues along the way.
If I ever said a prayer, it was for you to change your mind and be less adult, and instead be more wanting.
If I ever said a prayer, it was for us.