Blame evasion.

I am usually fascinated by the many-worlds interpretation, loving the idea that all possible things that can/could happen, will/have happened in some universe. It’s mind-boggling, no doubt, but I feel it adds an extra layer to reality, a layer that I’ve somehow always felt was missing. But as of lately, I’ve come to feel irritated when I think about it. Irritated that, if it is so, we still only manage to see this one universe that we are in. We have to rely on what-ifs, counterfactuals etc. to try gaining an understanding of how the world could be if events had taken a different turn.

I’m not concerned here with the events of any large-scale historical magnitude. Those are not the source of my frustration. Rather, it’s the everyday conversations that have me grasping for the other universes. So often do I feel like there are 3 or 4 equally satisfying replies apparent to me, from which I have to choose only one to keep a conversation going. And I often end up choosing the silly joking remark. I could, of course, just strike a more serious note from now on, but that would leave me as (and probably even more) unsatisfied than I already am. What I want is the ability to see what would have transpired, had I chosen one of the other answers, without committing to it beforehand. I want the ability to shift between universes, forming my life on a more enlightened basis than the current.

This, of course, becomes an attack on time as well. I want to be able to stand outside of time and watch the world zoom by, jumping back in when we get to an intriguing frame. And I know that is quite impossible. Plus it would probably mess up whatever notion we have of human freedom.

I just always want what I can’t have. It’s very simple. And these days more options in conversations and actions in life is what I want. It’s probably around here we find the reason why I’ve always loved the movie 50 First Dates. Here we actually get to see some form of what I’m after; the ability to keep trying different ways at the same situation. I’ve always had the idea lately to try and write the same scene or poem over and over again, seeing what changes will come just from the repition. A new word here leads to a new focus, and a new focus takes the scene into a completely different direction. And then to be able to choose the one that I like best.

Maybe that’s the thing: I’m looking for some kind of perfect take on a situation, or at least a take that pleases me greatly. I often find myself left with a feeling of disappointment because encounters with other people don’t work out the way I hope they will. I’ve talked about this before, how I always imagine the entire thing in my head. The best thing isn’t when it plays out like I’ve imagined, though, but when something happens that’s even better. There are one or two people who have that effect on me, always widening the future compared to how I imagined it. But with most people I’m just not on that wavelength. I don’t know where they want to go with the conversation, and they don’t know where I want to go, or maybe we know, but don’t want to go in the direction the other is chasing, so we evade that route; lead it down another or withdraw from the conversation altogether.

I believe a lot of conversations could end up more interesting than they are, if we allow ourselves the chance to speak more freely. Not just in saying the things we want to say and being honest with each other, but in not limiting ourselves and each other to that formalised line conversations take. It would maybe leave us stumbling from time to time, and it would take more time, but if we, instead of giving one answer, gave two or three, the other could choose the route that most piqued their interest.

It is, of course, quite possible that I’m only having these thoughts because I haven’t been too impressed with my own conversationalist skills lately, and instead of looking inward, I choose to put the blame on the systematic foundation of Conversations. Who knows.

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