There are such varied ways of loving and showing love. A smile. A hand on the shoulder. A kiss.
I think I’m quite unconventional. I tend to love fully and from the start regardless of where things are going. I see someone that I like and I instantly start seeing us together doing things. Walking. Sitting. Eating. Lying around in bed. Having conversations.
I like to think about these things. I like to think about kissing. But when it comes down to it, I actually don’t really like kissing all that much. I like the closeness of it, but I feel that closeness whenever I lock eyes with someone I could love. Kissing always feels… artificial to me. Forced, perhaps.
I’d rather just lie down beside a person, tracing fingers along each other’s arms and foreheads, looking into those eyes across from my own. That’s intimacy to me.
It’s the same with sex as with kissing. I like to imagine it, thinking about the situation, but when it’s happening I rarely feel like it’s something too special. Again I’d often rather take it back a notch. At the same time I really like naked bodies. I don’t know if it’s the look of them (definitely sometimes) or more the revealing of something kept so well hidden (also a great candidate). Whether one reason or the other, I like them, but in the same way as with the rest: to just lie beside each other naked, feeling each other, feeling the tension, the heat. Tracing fingers, tracing what-ifs along the other’s body.
I think I may have some asexual tendencies in me. Or maybe I just hold the initial tension in extremely high regard and always feel a bit underwhelmed when it’s traded in for sex and kisses.
The most constant feature of my life is the flirting. Is there anything better than flirting? I love the smile it causes when you find someone who wants to play along. Innocent flirts; flirts that might lead to something; ironic flirts; flirts with people who really shouldn’t flirt, or at least their girl/boyfriend thinks they shouldn’t, but can’t help themselves; other taboo flirts etc. As long as it’s just a flirt you can try out most things, and you can really get to know other people.
It’s a bit silly I’ve decided (capital D, Decided) never to go on dating apps like tinder. I expect that to be the primary source of flirtatious people nowadays, but I don’t like the concept. It feels staged. Artificial. Like a kiss. It’s the new custom.
I prefer the flirt to come about naturally (or, as naturally as anything involving people ever comes about). I often end up flirting with my friends. It has its disadvantages, surely, but at the same time I really like the kinds of friendship it creates. I feel very close to my friends. Probably closer than they feel to me. I rarely go a day without thinking about six or seven of my closets friends, keeping conversations in my head whenever I’m not speaking with them.
That sounds a bit mad. I probably am a bit mad. Who isn’t. That’s just the easiest way for me to think about things, putting it in a dialogue. I use it to almost anything. From passing some time to figuring out what to write in an assignment, I make a fictitious dialogue in my mind with a friend and the problem gets solved.
Sometimes I go too far in my love of flirting and my expectations of dialogue. Since I work out the entire conversation in my head, I feel disappointment when the real thing doesn’t live up to what I had thought it would be. Reality is rarely how I imagine it.
You should have stayed a dream. You should have stayed a stranger.
Sometimes I don’t go far enough. When it’s finally looking like something that could become more than just a flirt, I’m confronted with the kisses and the sex and the world of thoughts on whether I can ever live up to my flirting self. I’m a master at very inelegantly removing myself from such situations.
I should try to go through with it more often. See what it can lead to. See if I can let you in. See if we can write a winter song. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.