I’m not sure who I’m writing these posts for anymore. It used to be so clear, but over the past few years my “you” has been any number of people. Oftentimes simply an imagined “you.”

There is only the light from my computer and the candlelight in my windowsill, slowly burning a warm, orange glow up to the ceiling. I like dark rooms. And I love that moving light you get from candles, swaying from one side to the other, flickering whenever a small gust of wind ever so lightly caresses the flame. It’s one way of putting a piece of nature indoors. A different way would be to have plants. But plants fool me. I prefer candles. They come with a predetermined life expectancy. 6 hours. Anything more is a success.

I don’t know if it’s because I like to know when things/people die. I have never really thought about that. Or, I guess that’s not entirely true. But I don’t think I’ve ever considered whether or not I prefer to know when someone will die. First of all, I don’t believe in the ontology necessary for me to know when someone will die. The world seems too unlikely to be determined by anything other than chaos. (I don’t know if there’s a “second of all”…)

I’m much too tired to think about that right now. And too smitten by the candlelight. I don’t want to die right now. I’m feeling alright. I actually feel like I have a pretty good grip on life. I’m constantly overwhelmed by new exams, but then once I get going, they more or less solve themselves. For someone as lazy as me, I sure am lucky to have been grazed with a functioning brain. I wish I could put it to use in a social setting as well.

Alas, we all have our flaws.

I made someone’s day today with a compliment. An anonymous compliment: go internet. My karma bank account must be soaring today. Or falling helplessly into bankruptcy now that I’ve mentioned it. How does that stuff work? Can anyone give me a definite answer? The same with ethics. People always hate when you do something good because it makes you feel good. I mean, jeez, come on. Can’t we let people do good deeds and feel good about it? Would we rather they didn’t do them? Some theories are hopeless. I dig Aristotle. Good ol’ Ari. He knew happiness from the ethical subject was a good thing: to love to be good. Is there any better reason to do good than because you a) know what the good action will be, b) want to do it and c) feel good about doing it? Send me a letter if you come up with something.

One of the candles died out now. 6 hours, to the minute. The other one is fighting on. A plant would never give me this much joy. A plant would just wither and die, over months or overnight. A plant would crash and burn, whereas these candles flicker slowly into the night until they welcome the endless sleep.


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