Done for today. I should have worked all day. Ended up sleeping in. Ate brunch. Slept some more. Rekindled my love affair with all things jazz. Watched some television. Slept some more. Finally realized it was getting late (oh, but isn’t it already much too late to do any serious work?). Made dinner, ate it. Took to snapchat for an hour while drawing. And then, by god, finally found my way to a blank document and began writing – actually writing – on my assignment. I haven’t come much closer to the required number of words, but I’ve taken strides mentally compared to where I was this morning. For me it’s always the first few paragraphs where I make it or break it, and now I’ve moved past those. I can go to bed with a clean conscience and know that from hereon out things will be easier. Now all I have to do is write the assignment.
Now all I have to do is survive, and I will bask in the glory of it all in a few weeks. I’ve really been down in a slump, but I feel like just admitting to myself that I was probably more depressed than I have ever been before helped me to start getting through. I had lost all direction, all sense of meaning. There’s still not a whole lot of meaning in this world, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I will just be like everybody else: putting myself first. Finding out what it is that I like (like I used to know) and then go whole-heartedly for that. There might not be meaning, but is there more meaning in not being alive? I don’t know. Until I figure that out for sure, I will stick to writing, listening to music, trying, trying, trying to get a glimpse at love. I will do my best in all areas where I’m concerned, and I will make sure not to fall too hard.
I’m treating you like a muse these days. I’ve been needing a new muse, and I mean the words I say. They are probably a bit more outspoken than usually, but that’s just because I need to find my way back into poetry. There have been so many distractions that I haven’t had time to just sit down and write my heart out. Snapchat has really changed things for me. I put it off for so long, but now that I’ve finally been caught, I see what the fuzz is all about. The communication is so fast, so immediate. I spent far too much time and energy on it. At times it feels like my days are unsuccessful if I haven’t sent and received enough messages. This has definitely played a part in my lacklustre mood. And I end up using my creative forces on snapchat. It’s not that I shouldn’t be creative with that medium; I believe in being creative in all the ways I can, but the content is just there-then-not-there, unless I remember to save it, which I rarely do. Even though I can see that I eventually forget most of my work (on account of it not being good enough for my “all time”-folder), I would like to have more chances to look at it again. I often dive down through my stack of poems or my blog posts and find something extremely inspiring, that I maybe hadn’t noticed at first.
But ultimately, it’s been a good day. And now it’s midnight. And I will go to bed before I end up staying up too late and ruining tomorrow. I need to work tomorrow. I will go south, and I will work. And I will be glad.