I need mountains.

If I am alive this time next year, does it mean I’ve stopped myself or that you got here?

If I become part of the world again, have I given up on truth?

If I fail to split my atoms into atoms, will I ever be?

Where do I seek inspiration, when I’m stuck in life? Religion? History? Poetry? There seems to be an understanding between me and the universe that meaning has been dropped on the floor. I look down and it’s just lying there, laughing up at my meaningless face. “How can you ever do something great when you haven’t even figured out how to measure greatness,” it will say. And I’m at a loss for words, as I always am when confronted with reality – the real or the imagined. I no longer live in two worlds. I’ve conjoined them under one banner: Imaginality. If all that happens, happens because it has been thought, then the imaginary part of life must be just as real as the “real” part, the one where physical actions take place. But how does ending one’s life become more real from doing it than by imagining it? Both approaches make sure you’re not the same person you were before. Both approaches dispose of a life, and create a new. And both new forms of life rot. One faster than the other.

My mind creates mental blocks for itself. I need to check something silly a hundred times, go over a thought another thirty, convince myself that there’s some kind of purpose to life the rest of the time. What should that purpose be?

What the water wants is hurricanes
And sailboats to ride on its back
What the water wants is sun kiss
And land to run into and back

And I have a fish stone burning my elbow
Reminding me to know that I’m glad
And I have a bottle filled with my old teeth
They fell out like a tear in the bag

And I have a sister somewhere in Detroit
She has black hair and small hands
And I have a kettledrum
I’ll hit the earth with you

And I will crochet you a hat
And I have a red kite
I’ll put you right in it
I’ll show you the sky

(Sufjan Stevens: Sister) I feel like the only purpose I can take upon me is to unite mankind or destroy it. The easy thing would be to destroy it – that’s happening as we speak. I’m so sick and tired of humanity. I don’t recall a time when I wasn’t. People are so stupid, and that’s extremely dangerous when they’re so resourceful. Why did we have to evolve? Why couldn’t we have stayed apes? Why did I have to be born into this mess?

I’m studying philosophy because that seems to be the only way to truly transform the world. But the masses have stopped listening. Where did time go? Was there ever time for people to educate themselves, or am I just being romantic? I look back through history and see humanity fail time and time again. It just seems so extreme now that we can see all failures all over the planet at all times.

I’m trying to live in my own little bubble; to not concern myself with society. But all our lives reach out and get connected in intentional and unintentional relations. Everything is the same, and everything depends on the rest. And so it’s either all or nothing.

I need to find calm. I need mountains.


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