I have worked out. I have read everything for tomorrow’s lesson. I have thought about cleaning my apartment. I ended up taking a nap instead. I have eaten. I have talked to people. I have participated in class. I have reached out to you. Not out of duty, but because I suddenly sense that old feeling of caring. I have felt a sudden spur of purpose today. Both in class and… in life in general. I have felt confused. I have felt that way you always do when you have kissed someone and it is going to be a while before you see that person again, and you both try to maintain the conversation, but no one wants to come off as too attached, so both come off as a bit too hard to get, and you just hope that when you see the person again, all of that is forgotten and you communicate through shared breaths like the last time.
I suppose the most predominant feeling is: change. With all the time I have spent trying to figure out how to become a more outgoing, self-confident person, it seems the only change I really needed was seeing that taking a chance can actually work. What do I know. I have probably just booked a ticket to the good old cloud nine, surfing through beautiful night skies and colorful sunrises, seeing unicorns where there are horses and rainbows where there is rain.
But I have been less tied down by my own inner voice, the one that normally tells me not to do things. Normally I will leave things unsaid in class, even though I know that what I want to say will make the class better. I will somehow convince myself that it is not really my duty to participate. And it is not that I felt like it was my duty today. I just wanted to participate. And I got all sweaty and my voice cracked like it always does when talking in front of an audience and not being in a play, but it felt good. And I could see people around me typing down what I was saying. So I am not just delusional when I think I can actually share some insight.
I think I am doing and learning new things about myself. I think this is going to be a good year.