I am trying to seriously write a short-story for the first time in my life. At least the first time since I was 7 or 8 years old and we had to do it in class. I feel like it’s actually going places. It’s not quite what I intended to write. I intended to write a short-story, but with a specific theme. So far I’m not even close to that theme, and whenever I try to edge closer, it feels very forced. I think I’m going to stop trying to make this story something that it’s not, and just focus on making the most of this. Even if I’m not going to use it for what I intended, I can still see where it takes me and just publish it in the next edition of my lit magazine.
No matter what happens to it from here on out, I feel really good having broken down this barrier. I’ve been afraid that I couldn’t piece together a story that had to run more than a few lines, but I’ve always wanted to write longer stuff. I’ve just never had the guts to sit down and give it an honest go. I’m always so afraid of disappointing myself. So afraid that I never dare to do anything. Which is what disappoints me the most, and which is why I need to do things like this to try to break free from my own restraints.
I stopped my initial writing on the story just before writing this. I ran out of inspiration. I felt like the story was headed for a deadlock if I kept going any further right now. Normally that would be it. I would delete the document and try to forget about it. But not this time. Tonight I realize that it’s just the normal routine of a person becoming tired that has hit me. My mind is not as fresh as it was an hour ago, and I’m more in need of kicking back, getting into bed and sleeping now than to keep on writing something that would end up getting cut anyway. I think it’s important that I learn this. When to write. When to stop. I need to get some routines into my life. Routines for writing and for studying also.
It’s always the same when moving into a new place or getting into a new situation, I think: Now I finally have all the time in the world on my hands! I have time for all the things I want to do! I will read! I will write! … but I do none of those things. I just waste away my time. I’m not saying it will be much better this time. I’m not so foolish as to make any promises to myself. But I will try to set up a routine. If I can do that, then my plans are far more likely to happen. I really have no excuse for not studying. Getting good grades after doing minimum work shouldn’t encourage me to keep on doing it that way. It should encourage me to study harder, to really do something with my talents. So far I’m a talented kid with no work ethic. I only ever work hard when it’s a field I’m not strong in.
Whenever I end up in physical labour (most likely volunteer jobs on music festivals) I’m always the one working harder, longer, taking fewer breaks. I love that kind of work. It challenges me in ways that I’m not usually challenged. I’ve been wondering quite a bit if maybe working as a stage-maker would be the best job for me. But then again: I hate working outside as soon as it’s raining or cold. I prefer it to be a job that I do only a couple of days each year. But it leaves me satisfaction for months.
I really don’t know how I ended up talking about that. I’ll be going to bed now. After I’ve listened to Darkside. Their album, Psychic, is still one of the best things ever. I’d really love to see them live again sometime, if they’ll ever create a follow-up.