I’m watching all these movies, and they’re teaching me so much. How to deal with family, love, death. This is what art is: reflection. It is what it does to us. I’m growing up. I’m always growing up in the winter. Something about the lack of sunlight forcing us to look into ourselves. Something about the people missing. Drowned out in the snow, even though there is no snow this year, there is always snow. The northern lights were supposed to be visible today. Not to me. But that’s okay. I’ll see it some other time. I’m starting to dream myself into the airplanes high above again. Going North. Going South. Going everywhere. I’m starting to yearn. Mostly I’m just sabotaging myself. I handed in my bachelor thesis on time. Now it’s time to defend it, and I couldn’t care less. I just want to sit around and listen to music and watch movies and decorate my new apartment. I just want to close my eyes and see the world.
I wish I had something amusing to write. The kind of thing that would make me and everyone who reads it chuckle. But I don’t. Not today. Today is just a regular December 30th day. Well, 31st now – to be precise. Precision is a lost art. Been wondering for a while what the world would look like if we all just tried a bit harder. We’re at a stage now where we don’t want to be informed, we want to be entertained. And we don’t want to search for meaning, we want it to be given to us. Is there anyone left who is truly striving for something? Is knowledge still possible as a goal in itself? Was it ever? I’m all for pragmatics. Things that can’t be used for anything shouldn’t be valued as highly as things that can. But you never really know if some piece of knowledge might come in handy someday. I’m no saint myself. I’ve let a bunch of knowledge go over the past years, and only brought in some selected new bits and pieces. I’ll start learning French again in 2016. It’ll do me good. And maybe German as well. I could definitely use a brush up on those skills.
Plans. I need plans in my life. Schedules, plans, goals. I need to go to bed earlier. A good nights sleep has been important for me the last year. I don’t know if I’m growing older (well, I do know) or if it’s just school wearing me out. But I know that I’m no good if I don’t get at least a good 7 hours sleep. I need to get back to my work out routine in the morning. I made it last about a month before the party was over. I’ll get back to that now in my new apartment. I’m also thinking about giving running a fair chance. There’s some decent nature in the area, and lots of animals, so it might be quite nice to take a run every now and then. It’s more likely that I’ll take my bike, of course. As long as I do one or the other I’m satisfied. I just need to get into an exercising rhythm.
To Sinrenter: you will be pleased to know that I made the first move concerning a girl, and that things are currently working out wonderfully. And that I’m sad that I haven’t looked at what new crazy ideas you have filled the internet with lately. I will head over to your blog as soon as I’ve pressed “publish” on this post.
I fear the coming semester, though. It’s very workshop-based, meaning I’ll have to group up with people. New people, likely. And I’m so bad at talking to people. I never quite feel included, and never try to include myself. I should really get over this at some point. Whenever I accidentally end up talking to strangers it normally works out alright. I don’t know what it is that I fear. I’m less afraid of humans than most other people. At the same time I feel stronger disdain for them. I need to be more open. Both to new (and already-known) people and to new experiences.
I’m going to bed now. I think I’ll have a conversation in my head. I haven’t had a good one of those in a few days. I have a character I’m currently working on. I need to find out what she’s like. What kind of things she says. I need to find out how closely she resembles you.