A third of the way through.

I finally feel like I’m figuring my way around this project. It’s been eluding me for so long. My original idea for it came about 1,5 years ago. But from then on I just let it simmer and slowly retreat to the very back of my mind. I pretty much forgot about it at one point during the winter. Then when I finally picked it up again, I took some unfortunate turns. I’m still not quite sure what went wrong – maybe I let my mentor guide me in a direction that I wasn’t comfortable with, without ever letting him know it; thinking that I could make it work. I’m proving to myself now that I probably can make it work, but I’ve just been on a gigantic detour. I lost complete faith in the project, lost all interest in it. It was no longer anywhere near what I had originally set out to do. Well, it was in the field of causation, but it had developed into something a lot more logic-minded, whereas my original idea was founded on causation as a means of knowledge. I think I’m finally able to join both these ideas, and I suddenly feel like this can become a really interesting paper again. I finally feel like I’m writing an assignment that means something: if not to the whole world of philosophy, then at least to me. I’ve been learning so much these past days when I’ve been reading and writing with a new-found interest in the subject. I can’t stress enough how much more engaging and educating reading is when you’re into the subject compared to when the reading is something you have to do. This, also, is important for me to know. I’ve lost a bit of my passion for reading lately. Maybe I just read too much in the two years where I did nothing else. But I think I’ve started looking at books as things that I have to read. I should destroy that mindset. Now. Yes, I believe in reading. I believe it’s a good thing and that everybody should spend more time reading books. I like the idea of a society that spends time on fairy tales, encyclopedias and dictionaries. But I shouldn’t read a book just to read it. Just to get through it. I should read it because I enjoy it. I haven’t really enjoyed my reading. I hope it’s changing. I want it to. But maybe I just need to be more selective in what I read. I need to take less pride in finishing a book and instead just throw it away if it doesn’t please me. I do that with movies. Even more so: I do it with music. I really cannot be bothered with music that doesn’t do anything for me. So I shouldn’t put literature up on some pedestal. It’s not doing me any good, and it’s not really doing anything for literature. But hey, that’s not really what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to congratulate myself on actually being back on track with this assignment. Though things change quickly in this world, and I might feel like the world is coming crashing down tomorrow, right now – in this instant – I feel really good about having achieved something and knowing what I’m going to work on tomorrow.

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