My head is a mess. It’s all over the place and nowhere at the same time. My fingers are frozen. It’s winter and terribly so. My BA project is due in twenty days. And I haven’t started writing it yet. I keep reading and rereading my literature, and it’s slowly dawning on me: perhaps I just don’t really understand this subject as well as I hoped I would. It’s terrifying: trying to write about something you don’t know anything about. I want to see the connections – I want to understand how the world functions and how we perceive it. I want to do this project. But at the same time I keep blocking myself from it with things that I can only participate in half-heartedly. My mind is constantly telling me that I need to pull myself together, that I need to do this. I’m going to a concert tonight, and I’m really excited about it because I’m going with her. But I also know that the projects will be on both our minds. Our conversations have grown tense in the last couple of days as December is coming ever closer. Maybe I’m expressing too much affection. I probably am. But I just really like watching movies with her, and going to concerts with her, and drinking hot beverages with her, and getting a buzz on with her, and waking up in her bed with her. What I’m saying is that I just really like her.
I knew I wanted her when she wore her VETO hoodie. I had suspected it earlier; the whole me-wanting-her concept. Especially when she cut her hair short like all the actresses I dreamt about ever since I got old enough to start dreaming about actresses. They say it’s the small things. There’s some truth to that, but the small things are just not all that small for very long once you notice them. They turn into the most dominant feature of a person, even if they’re just accidental traits. Like the way she looks completely nonplussed anytime you say something she doesn’t quite hear. Or the extremely goofy voice she uses when something is just a teeny bit nerdy. Or how she gets completely paralyzed whenever she has to make a decision. All those little things that you only really notice once you start spending your life with someone, or just fall for them really hard, are what make up the person in your eyes. It’s no longer about appearance or social skills – I should hope not, since my social skills got lost somewhere in 3rd grade – but small pieces that come together to form a whole. And yet it was a piece of clothing that made the difference between contemplating and knowing: that I wanted her. Punctuation style. I. Wanted. Her. I was ready to give up the world for her then, because of something silly like her wearing the perfect band merch.
Now it’s more than four years since the VETO hoodie epiphany, but this is the first time when being with her has really seemed like a possibility. Except: now we’re such good friends that I’m afraid of taking her hand in mine. I’m afraid of looking in her eyes, fearing that I can’t not kiss her. I still want the big movie-kind of love. At least now I’m down to only having eyes for her and not falling for every single girl who walks past me or who lives in my past. But I’ve been burning bridges and I no longer know who to turn to if this ends up going down the drain. I really should wait till December, when the BA project is out-of-the-way and my head is less of a mess, but if the mood is right tonight (who decides when the mood is right?) I don’t think I can help myself from making a move. She makes me so happy, and all I want to do is be around her as much as possible.
Now I absolutely have to get started on the project. I need to write a page before tonight. At the very least.
Right after I’ve taken a cold winter walk with my dog.