New semester, new people, same outcome.

We lose it all so easily, or at least that’s what we think: we lose it all so easily, so let’s be very careful. Let’s try not to stir too much, not to speak too loud. Let’s walk around in oversized jackets in the summertime so we don’t hurt no one with our sharp elbows. Let’s put on our muffs so we don’t fool no one with a sleight of hand, ’cause we lose it all so easily, we can barely get started. If we hit the ground running, we’ll just hit the wall faster.

I’m not being overly engaging in social activities these days. I’m in one of my dreamer-periods, I think. Pretty much all my time is spent alone, even when I’m surrounded by other people. It’s not that I don’t want to be with other people. But my friends have all taken different classes (or countries) than me this semester. And the only person I really want to talk to in my classes… well, as is known all too well about me: she’s a girl and I’m terrified.

It’s so intimidating: finding out how people really perceive you. And finding out if they are everything you envision them to be. I’m so afraid of having to let go of my dreams and ideals. So afraid of finding out that the world is not as I thought it was. Afraid of knowing without uncertainty that nothing is perfect – not even the perception I have of myself. There will be people who think I’m sweet, people who think I’m evil. People who think I’m handsome and some who just don’t see it. There are all kinds of opinions to everything and everyone in the world. I have to stop striving for perfection, or even thinking that it’s a possibility. What is perfection? I don’t even know. It’s probably just a buzzword to sell unrequited love.

Let’s take the good old “how is this girl different?” Well, she’s quieter than most girls I fall for, more reserved. She stays pretty much in her pack of 2-3 friends, which is my lame excuse for not talking to her, I’m waiting for when she’s alone, so I don’t have to break through the entire pack of girls to get to her. If I get her one-on-one I’ll probably just smile at her and beg, beg, beg for her to talk to me and do so in long, slow sentences since my tongue is busy tying knots on itself. But she notices me, that’s a good thing. When class ends, we always find each other’s eyes and smile. That’s what’s different about her as well. She must have the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen.

This also means that I’m not feeling any great emotions these days. I don’t have anything invested in this yet, but pretty much my entire being is fascinated whenever I’m near her. And evidently now as well.

I don’t eat, I don’t sleep,
I do nothing but think of you.
I don’t eat, I don’t sleep,
I do nothing but think of you.

You keep me under your spell,
You keep me under your spell,
You keep me under your spell.

(Desire: Under Your Spell) I know: come on. Make a move. Do something or give it up. I know. And I’ve known for a long time. That’s why this blog still exists. This is my whining-room whenever I’m less than impressed with myself. Whenever I feel like I could have – and should have – done more. Whenever I know my life could be even better than it is if I just dared making it so.

I guess I just love the not knowing. But I might be lying to myself even now. I don’t know if I love it, or if that’s just something I tell myself so that I don’t have to force myself into the situations I’m afraid of. And what am I even afraid of? Of coming on as a bore if I don’t have anything amazingly interesting to tell her? There are worse things in life than seeming boring. And I probably seem more boring when I don’t talk to her than if I did. I should just ask her name. No one ever finds it boring when they get questions about themselves from an actual human being. And it’s about time I got to know her name.


3 thoughts on “New semester, new people, same outcome.

    1. Haha, aw that is so kind! I loved that you had me in a pure prose category 🙂
      I hope your days are great as well! I hope your current mood is a bit lighter in life than in writing 🙂

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