Branches and bikes.

This is probably just going to be some kind of a rant. I’m sick and tired of myself these days. I feel incapable of doing even the simplest of things. And I know the problem is that I make it a big deal that has to be solved right away. Instead of just saying “hey, this doesn’t work for me at the moment, I should do something else instead,” I become obsessed with that one thing that doesn’t work and center all my energy on it. I am so afraid of failing in one area that I keep myself from succeeding in all others. I’ve always been wary about the way I think; how my mind is unable to stay focused on one topic, but needs to branch out to other things or at least meta-thoughts on that subject – thoughts about my thoughts on that subject. My problem is that I noticed it at some point, and now I can’t seem to get rid of it again. It’s always there, luring right beneath the surface. Just waiting for a chance to pop up and POW! there we go again, lost in my own mind with nothing to gain from it. That’s the worst part: I really feel like it’s a waste whenever I delve into those kinds of thoughts. I’ve tried so many different approaches to at least get something out of it: try to get back to the original thought, try to draw my way out, try to make a poem of my meta-thoughts, try to have a character ready that I can focus on whenever I catch myself losing my focus. But none of it works. Lately I’ve tried to regain my creativity with long rides on my bike into the nature. And it’s been amazing. I had forgotten how great it is to just be on my bike for a couple of hours and drive on small roads through twisty turns and small hills, through forests and along fields with animals, going to places I’ve never been before – trying to get lost. But I know. I know where I am. I know what I’m seeing. And I know I ultimately do it to try to regain something I’ve lost instead of just doing it for the sake of doing it. I need to get back to the more simple pleasure of doing things because I like them instead of doing things because of something else I like, or because I ought to like it. I need to somehow be more egoistic. I need to think more about my present state of mind and life than what will be in 1 or 10 years from now. I need to realize that now matters at least as much as later, if not more. I need to understand that I can make plans for the future, but I can never predict it, and those plans might as well go down the drain. And what better way to be happy tomorrow than to be happy today? I need to treat myself better. I need to take those chances I’ve never dared. What do I care if tomorrow is compromised because of a chance I took today? At least I will spend that compromised tomorrow with a smile on my face because I made something of today – whether or not it went as I hoped it would. Yes, I need to treat myself better and I need to take more chances. Every day I don’t means a day’s worth of chances I’ll never get back. I really need to start setting some goals for myself again. Taking chances. That’s a goal.

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