It hurts a lot. You hurt a lot.
I have started drawing. It’s really good fun, much better than I ever thought. I used to draw a bit when I was quite young, but since then I have only ever drawn when my sister has asked me to collaborate on a drawing. I never really envisioned it as something to do when I’m just on my own. Mainly because it’s something I’m really bad at. I hate doing things I’m not good at. It makes me feel incompetent. So I’ve never explored drawing, simply because I knew I wouldn’t be able to go all Picasso on that piece of paper.
Well, I’ve come to terms with that. I know my style won’t open any doors for me, and I’m okay with that. I can actually treat drawing as a pastime rather than something I need to succeed in. It has really freed me from my own chains, and I find that I actually get some rather good ideas while drawing.
I guess that means I still kind of measure it in terms of success. I still want to see myself getting something from it. Well, I do. What I lack in style I make up for in ideas. I think my imagination works better when I draw than when I write. If that’s true, then that’s one heck of a piece of knowledge to have gained. Then I can use my drawing as a tool in my writing. Getting ideas when drawing, perfecting them when writing.
But I don’t think I can draw myself out of this silly misery. I call it silly because it really shouldn’t be there. I shouldn’t cry any tears for you. There are so many better things to cry for. My grandfather, my father, children starving, a world in turmoil. But I cry for you. You hurt a lot.
Other than that I feel pretty good. I felt a bit lonely a few weeks back, but a couple of family gatherings and my new-found hobby has made up for that. I guess I still feel it, otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about it. Yeah, I still feel it, but it’s getting better. I’m getting better. I’m having some messed up dreams these days. My head is wrapped around an assignment that I really can’t seem to get started on. I’m pretty sure that toys with my head, throwing me into these wild adventures at night.
I go to bed early. I think I almost qualify as living in a routine right now. That’s pretty rare for me. My routine is usually best described as a non-routine. But it’s good for me. I like having routines, being able to structure my day. I like knowing what comes next; knowing when to get up and turn the record over.
My silly heart just can’t understand why you’re not part of my routine.
My silly heart just wants you close.
My silly heart just wants to feel yours.