Things move. All things. They might move by themselves, or be moved by other things. They might be moved by something visible or invisible; they might be moved by something we can best describe as a force. But everything moves. Nothing is static.
Least of all semi-idealistic things such as relationships; they are in constant motion, even when you feel like a relationship has come to a halt – that’s movement.
Things move in circles, I believe. At least to some degree. At least when they move through time. And everything moves through time, time is the basis for things to move. No time, no you, no we, no them, no that, know that. Things move in circles, and I’m currently on a spiral that goes backwards. My mentality to things around me is somewhere close to where it was 3-4 years ago. I’m more inside myself than I have been for a long time. And yet I don’t allow myself to really submit to the introspection. I remain in the outside world. I try to endure, because I know that I will come to the other side of the circle at some point.
I try to hang on to the few things that keep my focus on the real things. But it’s eating away at me. I desperately want to just disappear. Or skip ahead. Or do something else. I don’t want to spend my days dreaming. I want to live. But I never learned how to read people. Or maybe you’re just unreadable. Probably there is nothing to read, because you’re not even remotely entertaining the thoughts I hope you are. Yes, another cry for love. Sigh.
The one thing in life I value is beauty.
Without beauty my days are just gloomy. That’s why I look at you whenever I can. That’s why I go all Edward Cullen-freaky on you in class. Because you’re so beautiful, so unreadable. You can turn on a dime. When we talk, you light up. But we practically never talk. Not even when we’re seated next to each other. We are the battle between energy and matter. We are the night sky. We share those beautiful flickering lights with each other – but we have to move through light years of darkness to get there.
This should probably just tell me that we are not going to be that great love story I’m looking for. Jeez, I’m still looking for a great love story. I look forward to one day waking up, being desperate and just going for whatever decent relationship might come my way. Now I don’t want it if it isn’t perfect. Or at least completely unattainable.
Impossibility, how exciting!
Reinvention is my great hope. I reinvent myself in a 3- or 4-year circle. I think I will continue to do that, though of course it might just have been a normal state of youth; finding oneself. It’s time I reinvent myself, and I will start tomorrow by shaving off my beard. I haven’t done that in 2,5 years. If nothing else, then that’s a change. And my hair is shorter than it has been for… 10 years, probably. I predominantly wear black. Just a year ago I wore colors every day. Maybe it’s more of a graduated reinvention-circle I’ve got going.
Problem is: the things you really need to change are usually the things that are most rooted in your inner self. My introvertness. My dreaming. My attraction to beauty. I need to change at least one of these. I know I’d definitely prefer to change the first, but I also think that’s the hardest one to do anything about. Not dreaming is just about limiting myself. That’s easy. Not being attracted to beauty is about finding something else to look at. That’s manageable. Not being an introvert – that’s an explosion of the mind.
How can you explode the mind without burning up?
I always envisioned things just coming to me. I always thought life would just sort of happen. And now it is just happening, and I’m standing on the outside looking in while life is passing me by.
I feel insignificant. And I’m even starting to feel insignificant in my own life. I think that’s what happens when you realize that you don’t have the power to do the things you want to. When you feel like you can’t take charge of yourself. When you’re bound by whatever little things that define you. When you feel like you can’t break free. You feel suddenly that the world is determined. Maybe not the world, but at least your own life. It’s determined, and it’s determined by something other than your own thoughts. And that’s when you feel insignificant in your own life. When you feel like something other than yourself is in control.
Yes. Insignificance. I think that’s the best I can do right now to describe how I feel. I don’t feel like I’m nothing. I’m definitely something. I don’t feel alienated from the world. If anything I feel that the world is all too real. It’s right there. I can touch it. But I just feel insignificant. I feel like it doesn’t do any difference what I do to the world. It doesn’t do any difference, because only the things that are going to happen will happen. I won’t touch the world if it isn’t to be. I won’t make a move on some girl I’m not supposed to end up with.
I will just dream.
I will dream, and I will be anything but insignificant in my dreams.
And I know it isn’t so. And I know I ought to be able to take control at any time. But how can I when I can’t? And since I know I’m not determined, I won’t suddenly act impulsively. I will wait for the impulse, because I feel like I’m determined, but it won’t come, and I will feel even more insignificant.
The happy note to end this on is this:
Now I’m more clear about what my problem is. That’s the first step. I thought shaving off my beard would be the first step, but this is the first step.
Shaving off my beard will be the second.