I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have any mirrors around me. So narcissistic, can’t stop looking in mirrors hours on end almost to the point I start questioning the man in front of me. Wondering about everything and nothing at the same time, trying at least; it is so hard to wonder about nothing, and I try at least a few times each day, try to wonder about nothing at all, just an empty head, empty mind, haven’t succeeded for ages, always something there, leading me on, if nothing else then at least the thought of having no thought, which is itself a thought much more full than the thoughtless mind, much more disturbed, always turned into my own head, discussing my thoughts before I have them, having great big conversations with myself amounting to no truth, for what am I even debating, but things I think I would want to think, only real thought today stroke like a fever when looking in mirror: Am I alive? finally thinking something instead of answering my would-be thoughts, still not sure about the answer, going solipsistic again, thinking the whole world is make-believe in my mind, or I am a dream, or some nonsense like that terrifying me actually, so much I have to stop looking, turn my back to the mirror and calm myself down, sounds of war from the upstairs-apartment not helping me. Thinking at last: If I am just fiction, then why hold back? having sudden great urge to experiment with everything, especially wanting to stretch my consciousness with whatever means I can find. Finding none here, having to expand it just by writing.

Don’t know why I say no to anything.

Finally thinking again. I won’t say no.


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