Plan for survival.

As anything on this blog, this will probably seem like a confession-post.

My goal for 2015 is to feel a little less heartache throughout the year. I’ve spent the last year getting my ribcage torn open on every occasion available. I’ve mostly set myself up for failure; hoping where there was no hope; going for it in places I could never reach. This I want to stop.

This has been going on for some time. It has definitely been part of my life earlier than 2014. But how long? My rough estimate: my whole life. I’ve always wanted what I couldn’t have. I’ve normally taken it to mean: I’m just not going to not try to get what I want. But I don’t think that’s true. Whenever I’ve finally gotten what I thought I wanted, I don’t want it no more. This has to stop.

But since it’s a well-known problem for me, how come I haven’t found a solution yet? It only just occurred to me to look at different angles – see if there wasn’t some deeper reason for all this, and I think I’ve found it: I treat people as means. Yes, philosophy is finally kicking in. I’ve found that I probably don’t respect people’s autonomy as well as I should. It dawned on me one afternoon when I thought: wait, does it feel to him like it feels to me, being human? In some way I’m probably a bit solipsistic. I somehow think that the world stands still without me, and that I can make it be whatever I want to be. That it’s more or less up to me to form the world.

That’s why I can get so locked-in whenever I crush on someone, and if they don’t want me back, then I’ll devote all my time to try to make them. As a friend of mine pointed out, I’m very good at courting girls – it’s just not how the world functions anymore. As another pointed out, I’m a thinker, not a doer. In some way I get devoted to the mind-game. Well, I think it’s a mind-game, and that’s where I’m wrong. I think I know what people want, and therefore act accordingly, and that’s an infringement on their autonomy. I don’t believe people can make their own choices, or, well, I just believe I make better choices than they do.

I have to realize that there are boundaries for my meddling in other people’s lives. There’s a middle-ground between being engaged and being uncaring. That’s what I need to find. I need to know when to stop; when to realize that there’s no more I can do without turning it into negativity.

I’m glad I’ve realized this now. I don’t think I’ve ever forced anyone to do anything, and I’m glad I haven’t. I know I’ve occasionally irritated people because of this, but mostly the pain has been on myself. But even though I’m good at taking pain, especially self-inflicted pain, I know this has to stop. I want this to stop. I will stop this.

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