I feel like I’m growing more into the real world now than I have ever been before. More connected with the real world, I think you could call it. It’s good, I think. It’s good to start searching for a life that isn’t just imagined. And it’s weird that the two times I’ve really felt like this have been just after watching Her. That movie just does something to me. I think it’s the realization that, as things are now, whatever relationship I have might as well be with an OS. It’s at once a calming and frightening thought. Calming because it lets me enjoy those moments when it’s all good in Her as a true love story. The kind I could be in. But frightening because, ultimately I do want human interaction, more than just conversation.
I’ve had a hard time locating my thoughts lately. They’ve been all over the place. I hate you. I love you. I like you. I spite you. It’s all interchangeable. It’s all momentary. Don’t I have any lasting feelings? I don’t even know if my feelings for you are lasting. I know I believe they are, but are they – really? You’re the only one who can make me cry. I take that as a sign. But those tears might just be a product of my expectancy of sincere unhappiness whenever we speak to each other like it’s the last time. Would I really be that sincerely unhappy? I would be sad, no doubt. I don’t know. I just don’t trust my feelings.
I really should get out of bed. I haven’t been social, as in person-meets-person, in a week or so. Maybe more. That’s probably a contributing factor to the weight of my boots. I could have gone home for Christmas a week ago, but I’m still here. I have the apartment to myself these days. The apartment that I have to move out of in a month or two. I still haven’t found a new place, but I’m looking. Looking in the real world. I don’t know why I suddenly cling to this place. With all my going back and forth between here and school, I haven’t been here for much other than sleep since the start of semester. Maybe I just want to take it all in, now that I have the time to do so. Maybe I am preparing myself on the possible event of me living alone. In that case it will be in Odense. Perhaps trying to convince myself that it won’t be boring living alone. That I will have all the time in the world to do stuff. I will, definitely. But I will have to remind myself to get together with people from time to time.
I’ve told myself that I’m done with love for the time being. And that’s the fattest lie I ever told myself. I don’t think I managed one full day without imagining my future with some person.
There are fireworks going off outside on the street.
I think this is the reason why I write poems: I never have those great fairytale romances that just work out, those really exciting ones where you run around the streets at night. The kind of romance that becomes a motion picture. And I think the fewest of people ever experience those. But I really long for it. So I create it in my poems. I always make it sound as if I’m one of the parties in this great romance, but can’t a guy dream a little? I need to find someone who can bring me fireworks.
I often wonder if there are some unresolved issues in my mind. If there is some anger that needs to come out. But I can’t find it. Whenever I find something I’m upset about, it dwindles away as soon as I put it in the spotlight. If it’s because I’m just bad at focussing, I don’t know. I like to think it’s because I see through all the petty little things and mishaps that make up human life, and look at the big picture instead; see that there really isn’t any problem at all – at least not a problem worth wasting time on. That has been the primary problem between my flatmate and I. She gets stuck in all the little things (wow, how biased do I sound… well, I am). She can’t let stuff go, but she can’t talk about them either. Only once she has got a bucket full of problems does she come forth. And even after it’s been talked about, and after things have been done to rectify, she’s still haunted by those little things that made up the problem. I’m sad that I have to leave. But I’m not all that sad that I have to leave her. We really didn’t function well. It seemed like we did at first, but that was before I knew her nature.
I’ve almost gotten to the bottom of all my Christmas-shopping. Even with a few gifts for myself as well (finally bought The War on Drugs’ album Slave Ambient. I just haven’t felt the need for it, since Lost In the Dream is still just the best album since… I don’t know, it’s one of the best albums of all time). I can pretty much relax the rest of the winter now. Apart from the three exams in January and the preparation for them. But it’s chill work; ethics and political philosophy. And I like exams. I think I’m going to have a great January. And hopefully it will bring me a new home as well. A home where I can feel home in the real world.