I’ve got the feelies. Bad.
I don’t know if it’s just because it’s winter, but it feels more difficult to be a human being now than it did a couple of weeks ago.
I’m sitting next to a former professor of mine at the university library. He’s reading the newspaper. I wonder if that’s my future. I identify with him in many ways. He seems to thrive on routines just like I do. This is the first time I’ve seen him here, but I sense that he sits here, in that same spot, reading his newspaper each day. Probably just around 3 o’clock. And with the state I’m in these days, it’s actually a comforting thought. The first comforting thought I’ve had in a while.
I pulled myself together last week. I gave the sweet girl in the cafeteria a letter, telling her I didn’t really need all the candy and cake I bought from her, but I just had to have an excuse to exchange looks and formalities with her. She thought it was really sweet and texted me (I left my number in the letter). Next day I talked to her, but I’m realizing that she probably doesn’t see me in the same light I see her.
People always say: it’s better to have tried and not gotten what you wanted, than to not have tried and still not gotten what you wanted. But I don’t know. I’m very much a fan of the secret love, of playing games inside my own head. Once it gets out there; once it gets real… the games die. There’s only reality left; yes’s and no’s. No maybe’s. No could-be’s. Only yes or no.
At the same time, I’m in the middle of exams. And I’ve just found out that I need to find a new place to live by March. So I’m focussing on love (that’s probably not there) and finding a place to live, when I ought to focus on writing this exam, and preparing for the ones in January. My head is a mess and I’m listening to Bob Dylan.
Yesterday I started on a song that was supposed to be my great Bob Dylan-track. Then I got lost for words and found a rock-amp instead. It became a nice little song, quite angry. But not what I envisioned. Which seems to be the tune my life sings to lately: not what I envisioned.
This is, as usual, my attempt at a way back to the assignment at hand: writing that paper. So I will leave it here.