Okay, has ANYONE got the Guide To Living? Please, hand it over. Pronto.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m casually falling for every girl, while not doing anything about any of them. I had the best opportunity to talk one-on-one with the sweet girl behind the counter at the cafeteria today. But I didn’t do it. It’s as if whenever I really get the opportunity, I shy away. I talked about this in the last post as well: what is it that makes me shy away? Why can’t I man up? Is it because I’m afraid of girls? Is it because I’m afraid of just about any kind of commitment? Is it because I’m constantly holding out for “someone better”, “the perfect girl”? Ydrk, I hate myself for writing things like that and thinking it might actually be the cause. If I remember correctly, that was my conclusion last time around.
Am I waiting for some kind of divine intervention? That Eros will drop from the sky, take over my body and guide me to love? No, I am not. I have been able to do this without Eros before; I will be able to do it again.
Sometimes I tell myself: It’s just because you know you will get another chance. That’s what I ended up telling myself today, whilst regretting telling myself that at the same time. I think I just lack willpower to fight my fear of whatever-it-is. “Oh, the bus is about to leave… shoot, I don’t have time to talk to her now. How sad. I will just have to do it tomorrow!” Yes, the bus was about to leave, but that was because I had been walking around not-talking to her for five minutes. Plus: Another bus would leave 8 minutes later – were I so lucky to muster up the courage to find 8 minutes worth of words to keep her company.
But it’s not even because I tell myself that: I also shy away from those (pretty much certain they are) once in a lifetime opportunities (see the post from… I don’t know, is it the last post as well? About the girl on the train, whom I still think about. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid).
Maybe I’m just not mature enough.
It certainly doesn’t sound like I’m anywhere close to mature.
Maybe I just have to call it quits on the whole love front for now. See if I can get through winter without breaking my heart more than it already is.
Cynical time: At least I have finally been able to let you go, I think. My long-lasting old flame. This time I think it’s for good. You’re moving in with your boyfriend (man-friend, who’s twice your age) in the summer. That pretty much settles it. You want to get married and have kids with him. I’m not saying Fine, go ahead and do that. But something close to it. If that’s your idea of a perfect life, then so be it. He sounds like a real catch.
If this will really be the last of you, I don’t know. I’ll probably break down at some point and cry out for you. But for now I’m going to leave you be. I won’t write you. I won’t call you. I’ll just let you live your life. But if that’s how you want to live, then I can’t be in it. I can’t be your friend.
Don’t you just love goodbyes?