I am here tonight to figure out what it is I am afraid of. There must be something. Something wrong. Something I don’t know what is, yet. Something that’s keeping me from doing the things I want to do. Talking to the people I want to talk to. Taking the steps in the directions I want to go.
There’s something that’s holding me back.
Latest case: Yesterday I let a stunningly beautiful girl slip away from me. She smiled at me every time our eyes met in the train. Her eyes followed me as I departed the train, and she was looking out the window as I walked by, smiling back at her. I let her go to the airport.
I know what I should have done, and it’s not that I didn’t think of it in the moment: I should have went back on the train and gone with her to the airport. It wouldn’t have cost me anything. It wouldn’t have ruined any plans of mine. It really wouldn’t be in any way inconvenient. Other than forcing me to cross this boundary of mine: talking to a girl I immediately fancy.
I have considered it just being the fear of girls. But I don’t fear girls per se. And it’s not pretty girls either; most of my best friends are really beautiful girls. So then I’ve considered it being a fear of rejection. That might be the case. But if so, then I really need to do something about it, but I just can’t seem to figure out what to do about it. Well, yes: force myself to be confronted with the possibilities of acceptance/rejection. But it’s easier said than done.
Another reason I have considered is that I simply don’t think that I need to take the opportunities of love that are presented to me, because I go around falling in love every other day. “It won’t hurt me not acting on this opportunity, because there will always come another one along”, but that might not be right. And I certainly might not just find someone I am as attracted to as the girl on the train, who also seems to take kindly to my kind. I think this is one of the more real reasons. I simply haven’t realized that each time I let it slip through my hands without trying anything, it might be something I will come to regret for… I don’t know how long, maybe the rest of my life (hello pathos)?
If this is the case, then I know what to do about it: Force myself to understand, that I need to act. But then I am hit with another problem: When am I in a situation which demands action? Is it something I can just feel? But I feel like acting on it most days, but looking back on it, most of the times I wasn’t ALL THAT attracted to the person. I am just really good at falling in love at first sight. And then leaving it at first sight. Few stay with me days after. But how do I know which is which in the moment? This is part of the problem: I am always afraid that, if I do act now, I might be missing out on someone even better tomorrow. I know it sounds selfish and foolish and naïve, but that really is the way I think.
I am afraid of suddenly being in a relationship that I don’t want to be in. I just need to figure out what I’d rather: have to break off a relationship, because I find out it wasn’t what I thought it would be, or not being in a relationship altogether? Certainly the first option sounds more sane, and seems more like what goes on in the real world outside of my head. I guess I’ve been damaged by thinking myself better than other people for too long. I’ve never thought much of my brother’s relationships, because he goes through three or four a year, lasting a month or so each. But maybe he had been right all along. I mean: at least he has had relationships. And relationships help you develop; help you figure out what you want in life; figure out what kind of partner you can function with; figure out who you are with another person.
I think I need to be a bit more daring. I need to take some risks. I’ve really been rueing not getting back on that train. I am sure this hurts more than an eventual rejection. Perhaps she just smiled to be friendly. She might have thought I was odd, and therefore was led to keep looking at me. She might have wanted to make sure I was getting off the train, which is why she smiled when I saw her through the window. But who knows: She just might have fallen for me, as I did for her. And she just might have hoped that I would turn back and sit down next to her. I don’t know, and I probably never will. All because I didn’t take the chance.
I think I need to be a bit more daring.