I need this time to relax my mind. Straighten out my thoughts.
My head is filled up with school. I really can’t write these days. I’m reading, sleeping, in school, reading, sleeping… all the time. I don’t let myself have the time to really process my thoughts. I have dreams. I tend to think I process my thoughts when I’m dreaming, but I’m not. Not in the sense I need. When I walk around like this, I get so easily involved inside my mind. I start making up fantasies about the world, and living in them; believing them to be true. And I get so easily disappointed when I realize the world is not how I envisioned. These are the days when I feel. When I am utterly lost and a victim of my emotions.
I’m usually very good at keeping them – my emotions, my feelings – at bay (which, I know, this blog doesn’t seem like. But think of it this way: I normally post when I’m feeling like this. And my posts are not all that frequent), but at times like this I’m simply overwhelmed. There are so many things I know I shouldn’t let my mind get wrapped around. Like you. I really shouldn’t allow myself to spend so many hours a day thinking about you. I said I could keep this crush under control. And I can. But during these periods, when I don’t find the time to stop and think about the things I am thinking, my thoughts get all entwined and I can’t find my way out of them. I can’t pull out the ones that shouldn’t be there without removing some that should – or, that’s the way it feels. So I just let them all stay.
I let them all guide me. Guide my actions. And suddenly I’ve moved to the next link of the chain. It’s no longer my thoughts that overwhelm me, but I who overwhelm others. I am afraid I am about to do that. Overwhelm you.
That’s why I feel like clearing my mind tonight. I don’t want to do anything silly. I don’t want to end up distancing myself from you, or you from me. Not if I can help it. Not if the voice of reason, which, luckily, is still to be found inside my head, has any power whatsoever.
School is great, but demanding. I just keep on becoming more and more interested in all-things-philosophical, and that’s what’s taking its toll on me. I read so much beyond the demanded, and I direct my thoughts to focus on these areas, again; this is part of the reason why I can’t focus on my mental-well-being. I end up trying to figure out what is more important. I can choose between You or philosophy. When the real answer should be Me. I should be my main priority.
But how can I help it? You’re the most wonderful creature I have ever met.
I do think, however, that I’m nearing the peak of my confusion. Being able to write about it says something already. My actions haven’t really followed through yet, but they will.
I don’t know. I was going to write: I just hope… but I don’t know what I hope. I hope I will get back to writing again soon. I miss writing. I miss finding the time to write. And, of course, I hope what I write will be love poems.