I can feel I am in a transitional time. And I feel like I write that in every post. It is not just because I have just moved to Copenhagen. That was a big change. But that is not the change I am talking about. I am talking about an inner change. A change happening even without my constant awareness of it. I just catch it in glimpses. It is a change concerning friendships. I think, for some time now, I have not been too pleased with some of my friendships. I have talked about the circle of life my friendships normally go through. Sometimes you just do not expect a rule to be a rule. Or, more specifically, you expect particular events to overrule the rules. I really thought this friendship would be the one that lasted a lifetime. Now, somehow, I feel as if I have been tricked. I feel like I am not getting the sweet deal that I used to. I feel like, in some way, I am being taken advantage of. I am being kept hostage. The difficult thing is I do not know if he feels the same. I have a sense he does not. He can be very oblivious to things. The situation is that I am living with his former girlfriend. So now I have to think more about him, because she thinks about him, and wants to talk about him. And as we are digging down deep into the person he is, I come to realize that maybe we are just not that well-fitted to be friends for the long haul. It worked well when we lived in different parts of the country and saw each other once in a while. Or when we lived pretty close, but only close enough to see each other once or twice a week. Now we see each other every day. On the other hand, living with his former girlfriend has taught me that she and I get along extremely well. She I can see every day without a problem. I even miss her when she is away for just a day or two. But him. I am just tiring of him. He has some family issues to deal with these days, and I understand that. But somehow he just does not feel like the same person anymore. Some of his thoughts are just… well, they are the kind of thoughts we can all have in a short instance, when we just think about the possibilities of the world. But whereas most people can keep it to that: thoughts passing through, he has to say them out loud, as he has to do with everything that passes through his mind, and often that is just very unfortunate. And he has started acting very disrespectful as well. Add to that, that he has a general persona that says ‘ignorance’, and you get a not-so flattering image. But of course, he can still be funny. And I think that is what ‘keeps him alive’. What keeps him alive is that she still sees the world in him. And I am not going to ruin that for her. There is nothing like that person you can look at and know everything is going to be alright. She is that person for me, so I know how much it means. But she is starting to see cracks in him as well. In some way that is comforting, because it means it is not just me thinking silly things. But of course it is no good thing, because it also means that there really is something wrong. I guess we just have to try to work out exactly what it is, and see if there is some fix to it. If there is no fix, I am not sure what I am going to do. I am not sure I can keep living like this, with him constantly coming over, taking over the apartment, because he is just a very dominant type. His presence was much better earlier on in our relationship. He was more interested in other people. Now he is interested in what other people have to say against the things he say. And I think I am at that point where I know exactly what he is going to say. Or, of course I do not, because he always has something new to say, something he just read, or heard, or saw, but if we remove the matter, the body is always the same. And the matter is rarely of any interest to anyone but him.
I think I just need some new friends to hang out with, so I am not stuck with him if I want to do stuff. And I think I am getting there. I am more outgoing, more appreciative of the moment-of-contact with new people. I need to be better to go out on my own instead of being bound to his footsteps. I always catch myself getting irritated when walking around with him, because it is just his way. You can want to go some other way, of course, but he is just so very dominant and persuading. At some point you just have to learn to take your distance from those people. I did today, and even though some tasks I was supposed to take care of did not happen, this has been one of the better days here. When I look back, all the ‘best’ moments have been without him, save one. But that was at a concert. That could have been with anyone.