Tell me the right thing, I’m in.

I really feel like I can’t find the words for a blog post these days, but I also feel now, probably more than ever, that I need to write one. Friday night I had my first first kiss in a couple of years. Things had been heating up through December. I’ve found a girl who seems to get me. And I seem to get her. And a few hours into the night we got each other. But I was always filled with some feeling different from just pure love.

Already during the day, I had told myself that this could possibly happen, and tried to go over the mental aspects of it before things went down. I always find it really difficult to figure out my mind when a first kiss happens/has happened. I’m always torn in two or more. This time I had told myself: I really like this girl. And followed it up by: maybe I shouldn’t kiss till we reach the new year, when we will see each other weekly. And I think that’s what still haunts me. Because that made me hesitate through the evening. She gave me so many opportunities, and I think it wasn’t before the 5th or 6th time our lips were mere breaths apart, that I finally dove in.

Up until then, I had thought I’d stick to my idea of not going there just before Christmas and new years, where we’d be in different parts of the country. But we kissed, and then kissed some more. I’m not really sure it was love, but it was a lot like it. And who am I to judge a kiss at midnight. So, I thought: this is a good start – when another guy at the party, who I had befriended, told me he was into her as well, and that he was really drunk, but didn’t want to get between her and I – so I should just tell him if he got too close. I told him it was fine, that he wasn’t trespassing. But I don’t really think I said it in a way that told him: this and no further. I’m afraid he took it as a: go as you please. I didn’t see them doing anything, but then again I didn’t look at them when they were dancing or outside together. It was a very fragmented party in that way. You were always doing something. Whenever you weren’t dancing with someone, or talking to someone, you weren’t really paying that much attention to that person.

But that wasn’t all. She had been texting a guy much of the evening, who was maybe/maybe not going to swing by the party. She told me that she hoped I wouldn’t feel too weird about it, but I should know: they had had something from before she and I started finding each other, and they probably still had. But she really hoped it wouldn’t put me off, ’cause she really liked me. And bam, there I was: in a 3-way fight for a girl whom I had never kissed just an hour or two earlier. The other guy never showed up, but the ones sleeping at the party was the girl, the guy and I. And even though there was some kind of tension between us, it was never all that out-in-the-air or really felt. It was there, but we were all clearly friends.

Now I’m trying to figure out what my heart really wants. I think it wants her, but it’s a different kind of want. It’s not that want that I’m normally hit by, where I can’t see a future without her, and can’t see her as a friend because I only see her as my girlfriend. I see all kinds of possibilities. Maybe I’ve just grown up and out of the teenage vision of romance. I know I really like her. Heck, the thought of her made me write poems about her when she had fallen asleep that night. Good poems.

What I’m certain about from that night, though, is that I will never again drink coffee. My god, it tore my poor stomach apart. But then again, if I hadn’t drunk that coffee, I probably wouldn’t have stayed awake all night writing poems. And when everything’s said and done, am I not that ego-centered person always thinking mainly about “how can this help me write something?”

I don’t know. I still hope this will develop into something beautiful. I really like her. And I think we would be really good together. I guess I just need to find out what her thoughts are after that party. If she still feels like we could go on and become a thing, then I’m in.

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