It has occurred to me that what I miss most about you is the “just being there.” You were always there, I was always there. We were always there. Now that you’re not there, I no longer know who to send all my thoughts to. My little poems, my 3 a.m. messages, just whatever thoughts strike my mind. I could always send them to you, just as you could always send yours to me, and we could – sometimes – figure out our messy heads for each other. Find some meaning in our wonderings, find that we weren’t alone with problems in this world, that there was always someone who could relate to at least most of it.
Now I’m trying to figure out things for myself, and I’m trying to see if I can find anyone who can take over that place – that “being there” place in my life. So far I haven’t found one, and that makes me lonely.
I’ve become a much more social person over the last couple of years, but it’s obvious I still have a need for some text-communication instead of all communication being face-to-face. That’s not where I talk. I’m becoming more talkative in live-settings, but it still doesn’t quite make it. There are still a lot of words and thoughts left unspoken in my mind.
I need to do something to them. Maybe I’ll start blogging more frequently, maybe I’ll write more poetry, but it’s the back-and-forth I miss. Maybe I’ll start writing longer prose, so I have place to discuss my thoughts in the text. I just don’t know if it can really replace your different takes on my thoughts – and it certainly can’t replace your thoughts.
My new friend is a bright candidate for the spot, but I really don’t want to be too pushy, too needy. And that’s how I feel these days: pushy, needy. I’m even afraid to tell you that the real reason why I skip the first train home isn’t because I have to walk 15 minutes to get home, instead of the second train where I’m dropped off practically at my house, but because I’d rather have those extra 10 minutes with you at the train station, than getting home half an hour earlier.
I’m not in love.
Is it honest – that I’m not in love – when I have to remind myself that I’m not? I don’t know. No matter what I’m better off not being in love this time. And with all my talk of controlling your own mind, it would do me good to show that it’s possible for me.
I have an assignment due this Friday, and have been staring at it for nearly two weeks now. I’m sure the reason I haven’t really been able to get around it is because I have forgotten to write a blog post, telling about my procrastination, as has become custom when writing an assignment. That’s hereby done.