I feel like going on an adventure.
Things are both happening and not happening, and most of the things that are happening are things that could just as easily be on the move. University so far has been a lot less stressful than I anticipated, and will probably be a bit more demanding as time moves forward, but it just leaves this big gap in my life. When reading the stuff that is expected, attending class seems unnecessary (I do it, though) and I just get the feeling that I could as easily be living on the road and getting the same education just by reading the books.
In fact, that’s always been my picture of education, so I guess it shouldn’t surprise me. Sometimes you just don’t expect to be right.
So far university has meant this new crush for me. She’s part German and has a boyfriend. She has short hair and crooked teeth. She’s a tomboy with fifty dresses. She likes music and movies. She’s undeniably my type, and I think she’s attracted to me as well.
But “think” is never a guarantee
So I’ll just wait and see
That’s how I got here
Trying not to think of my fear
Shoulder-sight of beauty
Class merely a duty
Dream away, dream new place to stay
Yearning for you to come and play
At some point I should just figure out what my heart really desires. There are so many things, so many people I want. And I always find out too late when I don’t really want them anyway. And then later find out I do really want them. Yeah, I shouldn’t try to give anyone advice on the human mind.
I hope studying epistemology will help me a bit in this area. Figuring out what I really know, understanding the things I want and the things I don’t. Chance is I’m probably just going to become even more confused, because yet another thing takes up space in my mind.
Maybe that’s the key: I need to dissect what’s in my mind and what’s in my heart.
Do I even believe there’s something in the heart that isn’t in the mind? I remember once I told you about my idea of talking straight to the heart. Was it a phone? No, morse code. Yes, the pulse as morse code, so you can hear what another person’s heart desires. I still think it’s a tremendous idea, if I just believe that the heart has some other opinion than the mind.
Surely, you can divide your attraction into lust and logic (among others), but they both seem to be placed in the mind. Maybe people don’t really mean “heart” when they say “heart”. It’s entirely possible that I just take things too literally. But it’s a very neat picture.
What I like most about university so far, is that all your grading is based on your papers (and eventual exams). It’s amazing that people still think they’ll be graded for their activity in class. It makes them so competitive, almost aggressive, because they feel this is the stage in education where they really need to do something.
I’ve always been very competitive in sports, but I’ve never understood the competitive aspect of education. Maybe I’m just a hippie, a socialist or god-forbid a marxist, but I believe in the greater good in education, and that means making sure everyone is on the same page, rather than being focussed on your own ego. I’ve always been very good at language and social studies, and always been available for my classmates if they wanted to ask me anything about anything in that department. I wish other people weren’t so full of their own ego’s, that they could see my perspective of education. Oh well, you rarely get what you want. I guess someone in this society have to think about themselves.
So, this adventure of mine. Maybe it’s because I can already feel On The Road’s pull in me. That’s too early. Maybe it’s because I helped Heidi writing her song yesterday. Whenever I talk to people who maintain their creative side, I just yearn for myself to follow those dreams. Now I’ve bound myself to this study for the next three to five years. I chose philosophy in part because I figured it would do me good, and wouldn’t steal all my time. That, actually, it would serve as a helping hand in my writing. So I guess I should just be pleased it seems even less demanding than I thought it would be.
And maybe this will become my adventure. Maybe this will be my shelter from the storm that is my stream of thoughts.