Today was supposed to be a nice, calm day where I could just focus on a new book. Hasn’t really turned out like that. It’s been calm alright, but with thunderstorms outside, and rain constantly hitting the windows. It’s been very dark for a summer’s day. Home alone with my dog, the others gone to Copenhagen (from where I just came). I wanted this to have been a special day, either with a lot of activity or the total absorption of the book. Neither has happened. It’s just been a big sad day, filled with a sense of nostalgia.
I’m starting to feel very alone down here. It really is time I move to Odense. Since Adrian and Rikke moved from Svendborg, there isn’t anyone left. It’s just me and my dog.
People say I should move to Copenhagen. It would be fun, no doubt. A lot of friends there by now. But, honestly, I just don’t feel anything for Copenhagen. I’m tired of it already. It’s appealing that there is always a great concert to go to. It’s appealing that you can probably find everything there. It’s appealing that, despite it being a large city, there are numerous green areas, parks, forests, etc. and they’re all in reach on foot. But there are just too many people who all look alike. I miss seeing the large-city variety in style and type. The masses of Copenhagen bore me.
Svendborg seems much more varied, despite being.. what, 1/20 the size? And Odense seems like a large Svendborg. Most of all I’d love to live in Brussels. A giant Svendborg. It has its industrial sides, the EU, NATO and the likes, but once you come into the heart of the city, it’s just such a warm place. I’ll never forget the park in front of the University/school/whateveritwas. Just, out of the blue – a great big park filled with young people chilling in the sun with their books, occasionally catching glimpses at the pond. It was pretty heaven-like.
I think my mind’s themes change according to the music I listen to. Currently it’s Yo La Tengo’s 2000-record, And Then Everything Turned Itself Inside-out. I started writing when it was at Tears Are In Your Eyes, and I felt all sad and stuff. But, given time, all Yo La Tengo’s music just sounds like heaven, or a park in Brussels.
Though the weather certainly hasn’t done anything to cheer me up, I suppose today was always headed for a drag. There’s a difference between thinking you’ll abandon our friendship, and realizing you actually might. I’ve vowed myself not to go around thinking all these thoughts about you – ’cause what good do they do, really? Not much. They just fill my head up. They don’t bring me closer to you, they don’t take me away from you. They’re just fill when I don’t care enough about anything else to think of that instead.
Today has been one long thought with you at the center. At least now you’ve written me. I was – how melodramatic am I for actually putting this into writing – beginning to think it might have been the end. Of course it wasn’t. We never find the end, just as we probably never find each other – which I do think I’m okay with now. But don’t throw away our friendship. We still have a lot to give each other, even if you think you’re just about washed up, out of energy.
Come on, let’s leave our misery
And crawl toward where we want to be
Can’t we try?
Can’t we try?
(Yo La Tengo: Night Falls on Hoboken) I don’t even understand why we hit trouble as often as waves hit shores. We really don’t have that many things to argue about. Maybe it’s because we’re both just deeply self-centered human beings. I know I am. We often talk past each other, not commenting on the other’s problems/successes but answering them with our own. We probably have to work on that, if we want to get back to where we were when we were (wow, w’s!) best.
You say you’ve figured out what the deal is, why you haven’t been able to move on/let go of him. I say then there must be a cure. And instantly I’m afraid I’ve said something wrong. Maybe we just don’t understand each other no more. I’m just glad you’ve found out what’s wrong – ’cause that is usually the first step to figuring out how to fix the thing that is wrong.
I don’t want to pressure you, force you to do things faster than you’re comfortable with. I just want you to take advantage of this knowledge you’ve now attained. Please don’t let it go to waste. It’s been so long since you’ve last seemed really happy, and this might be the start of the cure.