Hello midnight.

I think my greatest challenge is knowing the real world from the one inside my head. Not as in I can’t tell the difference between being awake and dreaming, or as in thinking everything is completely different from how it really is. It’s smaller things like knowing to be present in the real world, paying attention to the things there instead of just listening to how things “ought to” play out if it were my imagination that dictated how the world should go about its business.

I’ve talked about one side of this before, my planning out how a text-conversation should go. How I’m always 2-5-20 messages ahead, only to be tumbled over when the first response is not even near what I expected. I’m like that in many aspects of life – spending so much time thinking about future what-if’s instead of paying attention to what’s happening in the now.

I can’t pretend
I don’t need to defend
some part of me
from you

(Interpol: The New) The most obvious problem with this is (not) knowing how other people feel – especially about me. I tend to think that, if I have a crush on someone, that person is equally crushing on me. If I’m in love with someone, that someone is also in love with me. Of course, when I look at it like this, it’s ever so clear that I’m bound to find myself in situations where that theory just doesn’t live up to the real world. But at times – most times, I suppose – I forget to think rationally about these things.

I think my mind just craves cosmos. There are so many things in this world that I don’t understand. So many things that just don’t fit together, and I think that’s why my mind hopes that this one part, this oh so important part of life, would just be easy. Would just be straight forward. I love you, you love me. It’s convinced that you can’t fall for someone who isn’t going to fall for you, ’cause that’s just outright chaos, and there’s already too much of that around.

People often say that I surprise them, simply because I’m an introvert and don’t talk a whole lot (when it’s not on text), so they gradually find out things about me. I think this is the one thing, though, that no one can really grasp. I mean, I’ve tried to tell one or two of my friends, but I don’t think they understood just quite how different my perception can really be compared to the real world in these matters.

It’s not just that I find it strange, find it unfair, see it as very poor design when I can love you but you can’t love me. It’s that I really, honestly, don’t understand it. Not in the narcissism-way that I think I’m just so wonderful you shouldn’t be able to resist. My mind just can’t get around the fact that this isn’t a question of cosmos<>chaos, but a question of the human mind.

But I’ve realized that it’s a problem now, and I sincerely hope I can do something about it because it’s killing me, and I fear it’s going to drive you away from me. That’s the last thing I’d ever want. I’ve always talked highly about the abilities of the human mind, and said I could overcome anything. Well, now’s the time to buckle up and prove it. Now’s the time for me to rearrange my mind and not lose myself in the process.

Some nights
I just never go to sleep at all,
and I stand,
shaking in my doorway like a sentinel,
all alone,
bracing like the bow upon a ship,
and fully abandoning
any thought of anywhere
but home,
my home.
Sometimes I can almost feel the power.
And I do love you.
Is it only timing,
that has made it such a dark hour,
only ever chiming out,
“Cuckoo, cuckoo”?

My heart, I wear you down, I know.
Gotta think straight,
keep a clean plate;
keep from wearing down.
If I lose my head,
just where am I going to lay it?

(Joanna Newsom: In California) Perhaps I should stop watching movies. I always attach my own life to the fictive story-lines, and expect the real world to turn out as its counterpart on the screen. But then I should probably also give up books, and then I would probably end up having to give up music as well. So that’s not the way.

I just need to get myself to understand, and that has to start today.

Hello midnight.


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