I should just not be let out to the world. I should stay inside, listening to Pink Floyd.
I’m so comfortable right now. Sitting in my festival poncho, listening to Obscured By Clouds, drinking tea, feeling drugged as I sometimes do. That happens very easily when I watch movies that include drugs and rock, as I did a few hours ago, The Doors. I don’t know what it is exactly about those movies, but I suspect that I perform some kind of method acting. I’m so inspired by the way the intoxicated move.
One of my best periods was a couple of years ago, during winter, I had just seen I’m Not There for the first time, and I walked around acting like I was yet another actor portraying Bob Dylan. I had a blast and the teachers at the school got worried. They, in agreement, asked my psychology teacher (of all) to have a talk with me, get the scoop on what was going on. Naturally, I couldn’t say much more than “I’m feeling good”. I try to tell the truth as much as possible.
God I love Wot’s… Uh The Deal. Might just be my favorite Pink Floyd tune. I always preferred their more quiet side. It’s a real shame it’s such a small part of their catalog. I guess that’s why Obscured By Clouds holds such a special place in my heart. It’s so nice and calm. It just breezes through, while still being interesting. And those guitars… man, those guitars.
I think I’ve become quite the sucker for original movie scores. Such as Obscured By Clouds and More, and also Simon Werner A Disparu by Sonic Youth. And a bunch more. It’s just great when musicians you love have a go at a complete movie soundtrack. It tends to bring out different sides from them, as if it expands their minds. Expands their ideas of what the band can sound like. I love the surprises that can come from that.
Otherwise I’ve just been an emotional wreck the last couple of days. Big feelings going up and down, then reading Into Thin Air that made me want to become a mountaineer/made me forget the idea again, leaving me with a full head – which is why I decided to watch The Doors. I knew the effect it would have on me would help me clear out my mind and focus on some other stuff. Or, maybe not other stuff, but just help me collect my thoughts and try to figure things out.
I’m becoming increasingly interested in drugs. There’s still a fair way before I’m going to try any, but it’s just so intriguing. As I said before, I try to emulate the way of the intoxicated. I’d just like to feel what it’s really like, see if it would enhance any part of me.
I feel like I’m probably going to rise to some absolute top of my being in the next couple of years, and from there it will go downhill fast. I just don’t think I have the drive for a long life. I get tired of things so easily.
Honestly, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I say I want to write, but in the end I find it hard to keep writing, to force myself to write. I’m so easily distracted. I need to find someone who keeps me to my promise to myself to write everyday.
And yes, I’m going to write about you, because you have been causing my wild mood swings the last week. I don’t know what has upset you so much. I just want to know if you know anything about what you feel for me. You know very well what I feel for you – but you read one line indicating that I might like someone else, and you think it’s all overboard, and why should you even care about thinking about what you might feel for me when I’m so obviously head over heels in love with this other girl.
I don’t understand how you can make that assumption. I’ve never been anything but honest with you, why would that have changed? Why does this have to be so impossible? Why on Earth do we need to go through this emotional hell? It just seems so very unnecessary. You know I want you. You know I really, really want you. I’m your poet. I’m your artist. I’m your fynbo. I’m yours – if only you’d want me.
It doesn’t have to be today or tomorrow, because I know you might not be able to make such a hasty decision, but just give me a sign that yes, there is indeed hope for me yet. There is either something to wait for or not. You don’t have to promise me anything, I just want an indication. I just want to know if this is too silly to be true, or if there might actually be something there.
I’ve waited hours for this
I’ve made myself so sick
I wish I’d stayed asleep today
I never thought this day would end
I never thought tonight could ever be
This close to me
(The Cure: Close To Me)