I don’t want love.

I don’t know what’s causing this, and I will be trying to figure it out during this post, but I’m super-emotional these days. The point where I feel the change happened, must have been just about the My Bloody Valentine gig. First thing I noticed after that concert, was that I was super joyous – which I usually am after great concerts, but more so this time. Next thing was that, despite popular understanding of what happens to unprotected ears through a My Bloody Valentine concert, my hearing has felt better this past week than it has the last two years. I don’t know what happened, but perhaps the ear-torturing-You-Made-Me-Realise cleansed something. I don’t know. Just a change.

Next thing is that I was suddenly overly friendly with Icelandic Girl, who now knows about my blog. She told me were like Lucas and Peyton from One Tree Hill, so of course I’ve begun a mission to watch all episodes. Currently eleven episodes in to second season. Maybe all that American teen-trouble has stirred up some things in me. Especially now that we suddenly aren’t all that overly friendly anymore. But that’s nothing new, we move like waves, up and down.

Been hanging out with Adrian a lot these past days. We recorded some music the other night. That was amazing. I’ve never really played in front of anyone, not confidently at least. I took the electric guitar, played around a bit, and then he asked me if I was ready. He pressed record, and I started. I just zoned out – completely. Turned out I played a 3-minute take before I finally broke it off. To me it felt like 50 seconds or so. It was an amazing feeling. Hearing what I played through headphones with instant effects on it. I could do that all day. Plus, he was super excited about what I had just laid down. He said I really had skills, which is huge because, well I don’t get credit for a whole lot of things all the time. And I’m still pretty new to playing guitar. He even asked me to show him what it was I played afterwards.

He’s just great. I’m really sad he’s moving to Copenhagen right after Roskilde Festival. I know, I’m probably moving to Odense, so I shouldn’t really be one to point fingers, and I’m not. I’m just sad. I haven’t had a really good male friend for a long time, and he has more or less become like a brother to me, even though that sounds stupid.

Speaking of credit, Icelandic Girl told me she really likes my writing after I send her a new poem. Maybe the world has turned around for the better, and I’m no longer looking for appreciation, ’cause I’m finally receiving it. I always thought I wanted it from a larger crowd, but I can’t imagine anything feeling better than getting it from your best friends. I’m really glad I’ve finally let my artistic side get out to meet the world.

Going to Roskilde Festival on Saturday. It’s going to be great, I’m sure, even though it’s the RF I’ve been least excited about music wise, but it’s getting there. I just need to look at the rest of the acts, I’m sure I will find enough interesting stuff to be stressed out about wanting to see everything in the end.

Maybe I’m emotional because I don’t really know what I want right now. I’m so into Icelandic Girl it can’t be healthy. But at the same time, I’m just not sure if I would really do anything if the opportunity finally came at this moment. With University and everything after Summer, I feel like this is not the time to start anything. Stop thinking that. It’s always the time to start everything. Thinking it’s not the time is only going to keep me away from the things I want. (It should be noted that I don’t think anything is actually going to happen with Icelandic Girl. As with most thoughts about things that will or will not happen, this is purely theoretical and for figuring-out-things purposes only. It should also be noted that I will make a constant memo to myself about this, so as to try and calm down my emotional mind.)

It’s possible this whole emotional mind of mine only exists  these days, because I’m finally realizing that the change I’ve put off for the last two years is now coming. Moving away from home. It’s weird. What’s most weird is that I still haven’t really thought about it at all. It’s probably only a month away, but it doesn’t occupy any of my mind-space. I’m so good at not thinking about the important stuff, and just keep every thought focused on the stuff that won’t ever happen.

We should shut that window we both left open now

We should hold our breath with mouths together now

(The Antlers, Corsicana) I should just make it clear to myself, once and for all (until I decide it’s once again time), that I don’t want love right now. I was planning on posting the poem I wrote about earlier, but I think I will let that wait for another time – when I’ve decided to believe in love again.

Not believing in love, I don’t even believe in those words now, how will I believe in them in half an hour?

Put your trust in me,
I’m not gonna die alone.

Put your trust in me,
I’m not gonna die alone.

I don’t think so.

(The Antlers, Putting The Dog To Sleep) I’m feeling very lyric-y today, apparently.

What I don’t get is just that I’ve let myself go on like this for so long. It’s been five years now. Yeah, I’ve been trying to get some other things started, but it’s always been with her in the back of my mind. I’ve never been able to go through with anything, because I’ve never been able to commit. And I can’t do something I don’t commit to. It wouldn’t be fair to me, and most of all it wouldn’t be fair to the other person. I just really want to figure some things out. Figure myself out, if I can. Which is also what I’ve been trying to do all this time, and with this blog. Trying to sort out my thought, label them with “tags”. Well, that’s working out just great.

Sometimes I just can’t believe that I can keep putting myself through this. “Will we? Won’t we?” When do I learn to just live and go with the flow, let what happens happen. She knows I want it to happen. If she wanted it to happen, it would have happened by now.

tells me some things I don’t want to know,
and I can’t see
a light at the end for us anymore.
But I can’t keep crying
all of the time,
no I can’t keep crying
all of the time.

can be very sweet when she needs a friend,
but it’s only
a mask that she wears so she can pretend.
And I can’t keep running
all of the time,
no I can’t keep running
all of the time.

I hate that it’s true but you make me blue,
I kept waiting
for you to find what I see in you.
And I can’t keep quiet
all of the time,
no I can’t keep quiet
all of the time.

(Chromatics, Cherry) It’s probably not true that I don’t want love. Hell, I wish I find it every day. But as long as it can’t be with you, and I still wish it with you, I don’t want love.


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