Tonight I think I will try to describe how my mind works. Just to see if I even know how to put it into words.
My twitter profile says I’m a writer, reader, listener. But I’m really not much of a listener. In all honesty, the only things I can listen to are music and people who are mad with life, or some part of it, and can’t stop talking about it, simply because they’re high on it. People who work in creative areas interest me. If you can write, paint or play music you’re very likely to hook me if you ever try.
You also have a good chance at hooking me even if you don’t try. I get very easily attached to people who interest me, even if I don’t know them one bit. It causes some problems from time to time, simply because I tend to believe there’s way more to a relationship than the other person thinks. A result from this can be seen in my countless entries about “love lost”, which has probably never been love – but just my mind imagining some form of love.
I always make up dialogues in my head. I send you a text, and I already know the next 12 texts back and forth. Only to be disappointed when you don’t follow my dialogue scheme. I should use my dialogue-abilities to make stories, write novels. Instead they only frustrate me, because only 1 out of a 100 even come close to reality.
Reality is a term I’ve always felt a certain uncertainty towards. I know what reality is. I know when I’m dreaming and when I’m not. I’ve just always wanted it to be the other way around. I never feel content with reality, again because my mind is constantly making up scenarios that don’t come true. Mostly because I rarely have the guts to make them work in the real world.
I wish I was a lot more outgoing. I really have a hard time forcing myself to talk to strangers. Just going in to a store I haven’t been to before is extremely hard work for me. I have been trying to make myself go to this tiny record store in town for the last year now. Still hasn’t happened. And everybody knows I spend all my money on music. Because I can’t seem to function in crowds with a bunch of strangers, I rarely enjoy larger parties. “Hitting a few bars” is something I’ve never done, though often invited to such things. I always end up extremely bored when I’m in situations comparable to that.
I function quite well when I’m just with one other person. Then I don’t have to constantly think about group dynamics. The dynamics between me and the other person are quite simple. Either one of us is the chattier one, or we’re equally silent. I think I can be described as “silent company”, and as said earlier, it’s not always because I listen to the other person. I’m just fascinated about the company people can have, and the silence that can be shared – how everything feels different when you’re with another person. I love to hear music with other people. That way they don’t get anxious about awkward silence. Plus, it’s always easier to get close to people with some smooth music playing in a dark room.
I can be chatty, don’t worry. If you interest me and expand my mind, I will be extremely involved in the conversation. I love people who challenge me, be it mentally or physically.
I can’t seem to figure out if I like when people talk about themselves. I guess it just depends on the person.
I only really hate a few things in this world. People who are drunk but aren’t at a party, i.e. people who come home drunk after work. People who are drunk at a party that isn’t in the evening/during the night. People who are mean drunks. Basically just a lot to do with alcohol. Mind you, I do like alcohol occasionally. I just think some people have a weird way of dealing with alcohol. I don’t see the need to drink beer multiple times a week/every day. Drink some water instead, jeez. Not a fan of violence either.
I love to write – I tend to think I live to write. But I’m afraid of showing my writing to people, unless it’s something that is FINISHED – so I have a tendency not to finish anything, and not to write lyrical stuff in places where most people can gain access to it. Most is saved on my laptop and my phone. I have some delicious blank-page books to write my poems in, but I can never seem to get around to do it. Yet I keep buying more and more of them, which is just silly.
I don’t feel much empathy. I do think I feel some, but not much. But I have a great moral. That helps me in situations where I just don’t feel what I ‘ought to’. When I take online depression tests they occasionally diagnose me with severe depression. That can’t be good. But I’ve always had a firm belief in the powers of my mind. I can have really dark thoughts, thinking the world is just a place made to experiment with how much pain you can put creatures through before they start a world war, but I’m good at finding something to smile about. I’m rarely sad/depressed for more than an hour.
But as a result of that, I just have infinite mood swings. I mostly keep them inside myself, so people don’t notice it. But someday it’s bound to tear me apart.
I’m really, extremely bad at asking for advice. I never consider my problems so great that I have to ask for advice, no matter what the subject. Be it anything from writing to cooking. But I love to give advice. I have been a great classmate throughout the school system. I always take greater interest in other people’s work, and I really like to help people if they ask me. And I’m good at it. I should be a teacher, I just can’t deal with the responsibility.
Responsibility is the only thing that can really make me numb, make me feel paralyzed. I just, I can’t deal with responsibility. I sincerely hope this is something I will eventually learn, because I have absolutely no skills in that area.
Mostly, though, I’m a really good person. My mind never suggests I should hurt anyone. It always finds the positives in people – and hides the bad things from me. I just need to be more outgoing so people can see what kind of person I am, and what problems I deal with. Because to the outside world I seem like the most normal, albeit inward, person there is. But like everyone, I’m different, and it is a constant change.
Maybe I’m like you today, maybe I’m like some twisted writer tomorrow. Maybe I’m writing silly lies, maybe I’m speaking the truth and hoping people will read this and know me from me.
I could be anyone tonight.