Did I see you see me in new light?
(The xx: Reunion)
My birthday is coming up. Turning 21. That seems awfully big for someone who would rather turn 10. I’m not made for grown-up life. I can’t make decisions. I don’t have a “drive”. I’ve never had a job. I’m not currently taking an education, though I applied a couple of days ago. Philosophy and American Studies. I’m not really excited about it.. people around me seem to make a much bigger deal out of it than I do. Yes, I find the subjects interesting. But at the end of the day, they’re just another station on my way to… somewhere I don’t know.
That’s probably the real problem. I don’t know where I want to go. So how could I possibly know how to get there? And why should I be stoked about taking a step in an unknown direction? It all just seems odd.
I want to be in a position where I can influence decisions, but I don’t want to make the decisions (see above). I want to be able to lead the people in a new direction, but I don’t want to have any responsibility. I want to write, but I can’t seem to keep myself going for longer than a couple of weeks. I want to make music, but I don’t have the dedication yet.
Unfold off Coexist might just be the most pleasant song in the world.
Now you know who I am. Or so you say. Does that change anything? I’m not secret anymore. It has to change something. But for better or for worse? So far it seems like it’s been for worse, but I’ll just wait and see. Nothing much else to do, really. It’s funny how these things evolve. In the beginning I was dying for you to remember who I was. But when you couldn’t, I became contempt with the idea of being your mysterious secret admirer. Suddenly, you knowing who I was seemed like.. like a giant wall had been torn down, revealing everything. Though I don’t think there has been much to reveal, really.
You know me more from what we’ve talked about, than you could probably do from memory. Or from reading stuff in other places. Unless, of course, you asked him and he told you about me. But he has always been a good friend of mine. Everyone you know who I know are good friends of mine. So I really can’t see how it should be a bad thing that you now know who I am.
Maybe I should just stop panicking already, ha. Nothing much to do either way. – more important task at hand: what to follow up with now that Coexist ended?
Ah yes, a bit of up-tempo night music from Wild Nothing.
My computer is about to reboot. I need to do something about that. Starting to bug me.
It’s about time I decide whether to buy a ticket to Roskilde Festival or volunteer again-again. Looking at the current lineup, I think I’ll go for volunteering again. Surprisingly few acts I actually desire to see.
About time I reread Nausea. I should do that this week, yes.
About time I write some poetry. I will do that this week.
Man, those guitars on Nocturne sound so smooth.
What I don’t understand, is how my father can live on so few albums. Is that just age catching up? I feel like he was quite ‘on the beat’ back in his days. Now he only really listens to 4-5 albums. That’s a bit sad. And he’s so stubborn, he rarely lets me play some new music for him. Still stoked about him liking Animal Collective and disliking Radiohead. Nothing against Radiohead, I love them. I just hadn’t seen it coming that he would be into Animal Collective.
But that’s almost the saddest thing. That shows he still really has an ear for great music. He’s just too comfortable in what he knows. I’m like him in that way. Comfortable with what I know. Luckily that isn’t the case about my thirst for music. Or maybe it is. I’ve discovered way less music the past couple of years. But then again, 2008-2010 was such a mad time. Maybe I just got a bit over-stuffed.
There’s no deeper meaning to the quote at the start of this post. I just really like it. So, sorry if you’ve read all this way only because of that – in the hunt for “who”?
I only have one category to put my posts in, “Everything”. Is that the same with my life? Do I put all my experiences in the same box? Do I need to create more boxes? Would that give me a clearer understanding of the world around me?
Don’t let me in tonight
you don’t know where I’ve been
Hiding shadow, hiding behind
the dresser in the corner
The scent of you
the sweat on my forehead
The scent of you
sweat dripping from my forehead
Truthful in my lies
never to you
Just don’t let me in tonight
unless you know I saw you