Being with you/being without you.

And hey, there you were! Back in my life? Or, trying to – it seems.

I was sure this was over with. You and I. What had been, and what had never existed. The things that were in my mind, and the things that never were. My dreams and your stomping. Suddenly, the unlikeliest of texts tips in.

You awake?
I miss you.
It’s been a while.

As I expected, you only really missed me because you’ve finally moved in to your own place and now you’re a long way away from your friends and 20-years-older boyfriend. And you just needed someone to talk to. Someone to share your loneliness with. You knew I’m always awake. That I can sleep through the sound of any text dropping in but yours. That I couldn’t care less about what someone would write me at that time, but that I’ll always care about what few words you give me – even when I’ve promised myself not to.

You see, I had JUST gotten rid of you in my thoughts. For the first time in 4½ years, you were not on my mind. And you sensed it. You know just when to strike. You knew I would let myself be drowned into the conversation just enough for it to stick, for you to stick. I thought growing older meant growing up, and growing up meant not being a constant teenager about love – and the lack of.

I thought growing up meant either
being with you or
being without you.

The plus side is, I’m always more energized when we talk. I don’t know how that happens, but you give me power to run. I can do much more when I feel like you’re near, though you’re never here. And my mind isn’t nearly as blank – because at least I think of you. But, of course, I’ve been doing that for so long. It might be the reason why my mind is blank when I’m not thinking of you. I don’t really know how to think of anything else – I was just learning how to. Learning how to think about regular stuff instead of this messed up love.

Now you’ve put me in a spot I don’t know what to do with. I could leave you standing there, wanting my answer – as you’ve often left me. I could (more likely) get my hopes back up and be crushed again.

I was afraid I guess
Now I can’t think no more.
I was so concentrated
On keeping things together.
I’ve learned to focus on
I didn’t want to disappoint.
Now where is everybody?
Is it still light outside?

(The Knife, “Still Light”) I had just finally come to terms with not having you in my life. And now that you’ve come back in on your own, that thought just seems silly. Cynical. Like something I wouldn’t think. But something I was right in thinking, and ought to still think.

If this is going to happen, if you’re coming back in my life, I’m going to use it to my own advantage this time. I’m going to write so much great stuff on these roller coaster emotions you bring me, that people reading won’t even know what hit them. I won’t let it dictate my life, numbing me from everything else. I finally have a social life again, I won’t let that slip away this time.

I will let you be a part of my life
instead of letting you
be my life.


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