So, I’m closing in on my 20th birthday, only a few days away now.
It’s strange.. I really don’t feel any older now, than I did two-three years ago when I started this blog. If anything, I feel younger. Younger in the sense that right now, I have nothing figured out. Nothing whatsoever. I don’t know what to do about education, not even whether or not I want an education at all. Nothing really jumps right at me, screaming “pick me!” and nothing seems to sound all-round great. Yet, the pressure of the people around me is starting to have its effect on me.
I did look around at the possibilities, and found philosophy to be the most intriguing (having also previously taken an online-course from Harvard in philosophy:ethic that I found quite interesting). So, because I mentioned that I was THINKING of PERHAPS CONSIDERING to make a DECISION on whether or not I would apply for philosophy at the university, everybody seems to have gotten the understanding, that it’s a sure-fire choice and that I will indeed be attending university after the summer.
What they don’t understand is, that it’s these kind of expectations that made me give up on high school in the first place, and try to see how close to not-graduating I could get, just only making it on the plus-side. I’ve been sick and tired of school and education since 3rd grade. But since I have always had potential in that area, people have always had the idea that I was to get a long education with great marks all-over. I spent most of high school helping others to better grades, while spending my own homework-time watching Into The Wild, Good Will Hunting and Almost Famous. Needless to say, I was more interested in the reality the movies portrayed than my own.
That’s my problem (as is probably the problem for thousands of others); I’m at a point in life where I finally have to make a decision for myself. Where I can finally try to shape my own future. And it’s scaring me to death, though I won’t admit it to anyone. I have an urge to just get away. Not to any place in particular, just somewhere unfamiliar where I can start a new life and be a new “me”. Where I can keep being who I am now when I’m alone, but just be less alone. Right now – which is actually covering the last couple of years – my closest friends are my books, my music collection, my movies and those friends farthest away from me. I would like to be more social, but I need to find a new “scene”.
I can’t keep lying around, dreaming of the past. Of what was and what could have been. I can’t keep telling myself that make-believe is as great as reality. Not because it isn’t, but because I won’t get anywhere if I stick to this road, and soon 90 % of my life will be make-believe. That can’t be healthy. That can’t be what I really want to do with my life. I know that I want to be with the girl of my dreams, not just dream of her – I should apply that kind of thinking to all aspects of my life.
I don’t know.. perhaps it’s just time for me to decide to grow up. Decide to make my own decisions. Start becoming a person rather than someone’s child. Stop trying to rebel against everything and everyone who thinks they know what I should do.
I need to get some feelings back. I’ve become almost completely numb towards the world. And when I don’t feel the things around me, I can’t make up my mind. One half of me wants to live in the nature with you forever. The other half wants to live in a house with a great stereo and you forever. Perhaps I should just ask what you want to do. And if you want to live with me forever.